New Year

It is time for resolutions. New Year Resolutions, that is. I have several that I would like to make.

1. The first and probably most common for women is I want to lose weight. I know that I can succeed with this one. I discovered a diet online last year and it was easy to follow and I lost 30 pounds in no time flat. I even kept the weight off for about a year without dieting. Or even watching what I ate. Then I started gaining weight again this past spring. I just did not care enough to go back on the diet. It was not overly important to me to worry about it with everything else that was going on. So, I resolve to start my diet with the new year and lose the extra baggage. (you know, the saddle bags, spare tires, thunder thighs and all that!)
2. I want to finally get my house unpacked and organized. I have been in my house since March of 2007. I never did get around to unpacking everything, much less organizing. I hereby resolve to finish unpacking and getting organized, along with purging what I no longer need or use. I will create to do lists for each room of my house and check off things as I complete them to help give myself a sense of accomplishment. That way I can also create a list specific to each room so I can feel like I am in control and aware of what needs done and what I simply want done. But I will feel accomplished each time I can check something off, and that in itself creates motivation.
3. I will continue to hound. I will use hounding to save money. I do not think that I will find it hard to keep this resolution at all!! Hounding is fun and addictive!
4. I will save money this year for retirement. I started an IRA a year or so ago and since the initial deposit, I have not added anything. I do have a retirement plan at work through my paycheck, so I have not been neglecting my future, just not saving as much as I would like.
5. I will save money this year for an emergency fund. I have never had one of these. This is a good year to start. I may not be able to save the recommended 3-6 months any time soon, but it will be a start.
6. I will pay off at least one credit card. I have a loan and 6 credit cards with maxed balances. I used them a lot for atty and court related costs, and for my travels thinking they would get paid off as soon as I got my son back. Of course he is not home yet, so now I still have the expense of travelling, the expense of the new legal battle that we are going to have in my efforts to bring my son home, and all the credit cards and loan pmts. I think I will have to find another job....Actually I know I will, I just have not had any luck finding someone to hire me with the understanding that my visits with my son will come before any job. There just is not a plethura of flexible jobs out there. Not to mention I live in an economically depressed area.
7. I will join my library. I will read all different kinds of books (no hardship, I already do), and I will also check out books to read to and with my son. Also no hardship as he likes to read and be read to as well.
8. I will add one more resolution. I unfortunately have absolutely no control over this one. I am not in charge of it, nor do I decide it. I will bring my son home. I have hired a new attorney and we have a new strategy. This resolution will however be up to the skill of my attorney and the scruples of the judge to actually follow the law this time.

I am interested to see if I keep my resolutions. I know that most resolutions are dropped almost before the ink on the page dries. I resolve to be different this year.

A Bond Between a Mother and a Son

Bear with me. This title may seem like it has nothing to do with my post, but hang in there and you will see the relevance.

I tried to have a little fun teasing my son this past week. He was again reminding me what he had asked for for christmas. I was visiting this weekend and I got lots of reminders. And questions of if we were going to go and buy him some presents. I told him no of course. I was not buying any presents for him in front of him. We did go shopping and he had a lot of fun. I left him with my mom for a few minutes to pick out a present for me. Mom said he was very proud and impressed with his decisions. When he was done picking for me he wanted to go look at toys while my mom went to pay.

And so it began, can I have this and this and this. No, No, NO! It is only a few days until christmas. My mom and I discussed this behavior after dropping my son off at his dad's. We have come to the conclusion that he does this because his dad puts him up to it. Not always in a fashion that points directly to him. More of a sneaky, I will pull one over on them type of thing. My ex will take my son to walmart, take him to the toy section and let him look at the toys. Now, there is nothing wrong with that. I do the same thing, because he likes to look at the toys and dream, "if I had lots of money". The problem begins when my son asks for something. Instead of saying no and being done with it, my ex says well sure you can have it if you buy it. Or he will say something along the lines of he does not get child support, so he can't afford it. Like my son should even be in a discussion about whether or not my ex gets child support. Or lastly, he tells my son, sure you can have it, just tell your mom to get it for you. Your mom should buy that for you. Then I take my son to walmart because he wants to go and "look". I end up with some sort of no I am not buying that for you today discussion with my son, because his dad said he should ask me. Not very nice for my little boy who thought that he would get a toy. Here is where this phenomenon gets interesting. This does not pass on to other stores. Since my ex only goes to walmart and lowe's, I can take my son to kmart and avoid the battles altogether. So, we now just go to kmart. It is as if my son does not realize that he could ask at other stores. I know that he wants "stuff" from kmart because he will point out toys that are "neat" or stuff he just wants. But he does not beg for them. I tell him we are just looking and that's what he does.

Anyway, we ended up at walmart because none of the other stores had the present they (my mom and my son) were looking for and we ended up looking in the toys section while mom paid. We did make it out without any purchases. After all, it is almost christmas. Oh, but the "I can't wait" was fun. It was too long and too many days according to my son. I can still remember the agony of waiting those last few days.

After mom was done paying he wanted to take my mom to see the games that he wanted for the nintendo ds. He was trying really hard to figure the best way to get them all. I could buy this game, Grammy could buy this one, Auntie could get this one, Uncle could get this one, and maybe Papa (grandpa) could get this one. And could he get one from his cousins. We then explained that since his cousins belonged to Auntie and Uncle, they would not be buying him an expensive game, and since Auntie and Uncle are married, they will not be buying separate games. He can get one from their whole family. And Grammy had already bought him some presents. We then discovered that he thought Santa would bring the ds and not bring any games. We quickly told him that Santa does not bring a game system and nothing to play on it. Well, that made him feel much better. So Santa brings the ds and a game, mom will get a game and Papa will get him a game, or two since his will be coming from GameStop.

My son asked me last night if I had his presents yet. I told him no I forgot I was supposed to get you anything. Did we talk about that, did you say you wanted presents. I thought you did not want any presents this year. He informed me that he knew better, he knew that I would have presents for him. I asked him how he knew that and the answer he gave me touched my heart.
He said to me that he knew I would bring him presents because I always do what I say for him, and I don't let him down, and I don't give up on him. He knows he can trust me.
All that from an eight year old. I really wished right then that I could give him a great big squeezy hug. Instead we finished talking and I finished shopping when we were done.

All of this behavior and especially the conversations makes me feel as if I have an unbreakable bond with my son. I figure I must be doing something right. After nearly two years of limited visits, monitored phone calls, and constant hearing of negative name calling talk about me, my son still loves me and trusts me totally. I know that his father said more than once before he got custody that if he had custody it would be the opposite of when I had him. My son would like him and want to stay with him and not like me and not want to go with me. I look at our situation and see that no matter how much he wants it not to be true, my son still loves me and wants to come home. And home is with mom, not dad. Even after almost two years, I am still Home. I am the rock and the safety. Most importantly, I am the love. I know that some folks may not approve of how I raised my son, and that is part of why I lost him, but how many of those that spoke ill of me could have said the same were they in this situation? How many people in general can say that they know their children have complete faith and trust in them? Even though I have not fixed this problem, my son knows that eventually I will. He still has a faith that mom will make it all right. Because he is my son, and my heart, I will make it all right. That is part of the unbreakable bond between a mom and her child.

I would like to add a small disclaimer. I do know families that can say their children trust them completely. I know several that cannot, but I do know of tight strong families. My sister is one of them. I also have the feeling based on the posts from the pound, and their blogs, moms there could also say it. (Right Jmo, even when your child grows up and leaves home, they know where the heart is!)

Christmas Time!

Here we are at the time of year when children (and adults) expect presents. In light of my financial strain of travelling, I told my son he could pick three presents that would be really important to him.

First thing he tells me is he wants to have another gameboy advance and the cord to connect the old one and the new one together. Then he wants the pokemon game Leaf Green. I say okay simply because I intend to go to game stop and get them used.

Second he tells me he wants an mp3 player that will play the radio. I am not sure about this one, but I say okay thinking I can probably get a used one somewhere.

Then, he tells me his last choice. I couldn't help it, I had to laugh. He wants a laptop with internet access and games on it. I did have to tell him to pick something different as I cannot afford that. We talked about the different kinds of games that you can play with a dvd player and perhaps that would be okay. He does agree that some of the games sound fun. Especially the pokemon game (do you see a theme with the games going on??). So I relay this info to my family members that want to get my son a little something for christmas.

Then I ask my son what he wants to ask Santa for. He starts to tell me that maybe Santa can bring the laptop. I do some quick thinking and tell him even if Santa brings him a laptop, I cannot afford the games and internet access, so it would be useless. Perhaps he would like to think about it and decide what else he would like. Then he goes back to his dad's and I have not been able to really talk to him too much, and have not had any opportunity to influence the Santa wish list.

Well, last night my son told me that he had decided. I wait with bated breath as he leads up to it. He wants a nintendo ds. With the pokemon game diamond and pearl. We talk about if he gets that from Santa does he really need the additional gameboy. The way he says his response of yes tells me he thinks that was a dumb question. I try to talk him out of one or the other, but to no avail. I then tell him that pokemon diamond and pearl are two separate games. He argues with me at first until I tell him that I can see it in a sale ad and they are two different games. That's when he tells me that he will ask Santa for the ds and one of the games and my sister can just buy the other one. I laugh and ask him if he thinks his aunt really wants to buy it for him. Yes he tells me. So I did end up calling my sister to see if she is up for buying it.

Now on Wednesday I am going to go to Meijer to get the nintendo ds because they have a deal right now where you can get a $10 gift card when you buy a ds. So the gift card will go to my sister so she can buy the extra game. Talk about an overload of electronics at christmas.

I would normally have told my son no way for all of these electronic type presents or just let him pick one. However, since he is stuck at his dad's I have decided to go ahead and get them. Last year for christmas he asked Santa to come home, so I had to pick randomly to get something from Santa. Then I find out that no one at his dad's or grandma's bothered to get him anything from Santa. In fact if I understood him correctly, his dad did not get him anything and his grandma did not get him anything that he asked for. She just got random presents. My son was really bothered by the "fact that Santa did not bring him a present" at his dad's so that I had to come up with the story that Santa knew that was not his "real home" and so he brought the present to me to give to him. I am sure that this year will be the same, so I am making sure to get him what he asks for from Santa. Thank goodness for my food stockpile so I do not have to worry about groceries while I pay for the nintendo ds and game.

I also have to find a bell. It has to be a special bell. Just like in the Polar Express, if you can hear the bell, you still believe. I have gotten him a bell from Santa for the last three years and will have to find a bell that is just right. Because of course we can still hear it.

I am also going to dig out my little christmas tree and some decorations because my son wants to have a tree. Since we will be at the hotel, my plan is to put it together and decorate it, then just wrap it up in a big bag and transport it all put up. One less thing to worry about trying to get done in the few hours that we have. We can concentrate on the christmas shopping with my mom and playing when we get done with that. I am looking forward to the weekend. I will update when I get back about the trip. Maybe we will even see Santa while we are down there!

"Hound Friends"

This post has nothing to do with My Story. Well actually it does a little....

I would like to thank my hound friends. A lot, and bunches and even more thanks.

Back in May I think is when I found the MSN Grocery Challenge site. I stopped in hoping to get some good ideas for saving money whether on groceries or HBA, it did not matter I just needed to save some money. The gas prices were making it hard to even buy food for me to eat let alone HBA, cat food and litter and the outside critters. I was having a hard time even paying the power and water bill so they would not shut me off. I had already stopped feeding the outside critters and was getting worried on how to feed myself something besides beans and rice and still feed my inside cats. I obviously would not be able to save on gas because that is what I need to get to my son. It was costing somewhere in the vicinity of $450-$550 a trip, every other weekend, and some occasional holidays. That is about three-quarters of my paycheck. That did not leave alot to pay for neccessities, like required car insurance, power, water, food and my cell phone.

Now some people would say that a cell phone is not neccessary, but in my case it is. That is how I talk to my son. I could drive over to my mom's house and call, but when they don't answer and I have to wait for a call back, I would have to sit there and wait all evening until my son's father decided that my little man could call back. That would make it hard to get things done at home, not to mention would get really old sitting at my mom's house every evening, and the gas most likely would cost more than the cell phone. I also have my dad on my cell plan (with the family plan) because he has several health issues. I want to be able to check on him (he can't afford a home phone) and make sure he is okay. His car is not in the greatest of shape either and I do not want him to get stranded and have to walk, as he has heart troubles and the doctor told him not to do anything that would raise his heart rate too much. He needs to be mostly sedentary. I want him to be able to call for help if he needs it.

So back to the "pound"... as the grocery challenge thread is called. I just lurked a little to start with as I suspect most folks do, trying to get ideas. I did not do anywhere near as well as the girls on the pound did but I was learning. I do not have the double q's (as coupons are called over there) available at grocery stores like some gals do over there either. I have however noticed a big difference in what I was spending on food and HBA. I know have the beginnings of a stockpile. I learned how to do this effectively at the pound. I learned the sales cycles from the pound. I learned the benefits of stacking a rock bottom sale price with a Q. And I learned the difference between phantom sales and rock bottom prices at the pound. I also learned how to utilize CVS and more recently Walgreens to get free or close to free items. I used to look at those stores and their prices and would walk back out. Now I have learned from those great Hounds how to deal and finagle to get the most for my money. I now have HBA stockpiles to use for christmas gifts-and the best part is most of it was free!

Back in August when I got my bad news about the appeal, I was crushed. I posted on the pound that due to my bad news I was going to step out of the pound for a while and not post anymore. I did not have the heart to post or follow the deals. This is where my real thanks come in. I have never met any of the hounds in person; I have never talked to them on the phone; Most of the hounds have blogs but no pics of themselves, so I don't even know what most of the hounds look like. But when I gave a summary of what happened and why I was not planning on posting, they supported me. (I think I am going to make myself cry right now!!!) I got encouragement, I got you-tube links with songs and motivational clips (Thanks Jmo!!!)

In short, I got a response of friends. I did not give up on the pound and am super thankful for that. Those hounds have been there for me. I just hope that they have no need for me to be there for them. We are all experiencing hard times right now with loss of family and friends, loss of jobs, family moving in due to loss of jobs and homes. I hope that I have passed on some encouraging words to my hound friends in these recent times with so much bad news. And mostly I wish that good news and luck would find its way to all my hound friends. They could all use some right now with the economy the way it is, and all the bad/sad news that seems to be going around.

Hound Friends-I thank you very much, and I wish you all the best, and I wish for all the best to happen soon. You all have such caring and giving hearts, you deserve the best out of life.

Thank you for all you have done and helped me with!

Just a regular old weekend

I had my weekend visit with my son. It went fairly well, no major hitches. We stayed at a hotel again. I really don't like all the dragging in and out but what's a girl to do? Especially when your little boy is looking up at you with those eyes saying how much better that is....

I did try to pack better. I had one tub that had all of our food, and everything we would need to hold it, heat it and eat it. I had one tub with all of the toys in it. I had one smallish bag with my clothes and some clothes for my son. Then I brought a bag for a magazine, my coupons and the dvd player. We are not going to take the tv/vcr into the room anymore as it is just too much to drag in. Little man did not ask for it either. And of course our pillows. I cannot sleep without my own pillow.

We went christmas shopping on Saturday. We had a good time picking out something for all of the family. I told him one present for each person which is my mom and dad, and my sis, her husband and their two kids. And of course he had to pick out something for the cats. He always wants to get something for the cats. So far he has picked really well and the cats like the toys. Which means they totally destroy it and tear it into shreds! And I am okay with that as it means that my shoes and shoestrings are left alone, at least sometimes.

Anyway the visit. We had fun and played cars, watched the movie Open Season, which is a really funny movie, and played a couple of board and card games. I took him home on Saturday night and went back to the hotel to wait for Sunday morning. Sunday morning I pick him up and we go back to the hotel. We had another day of lots of fun. The only thing we did different at the hotel was he took a bath to play with his bath toys. He has this ship that has removeable pieces so that you can put it together however you want and it will break down to make about five different ships. It also came with a diver figure, a captain figure, an oyster (although we call it the clam), and the best part according to my son-the shark. The shark actually has a fin that you depress and it opens his mouth so you can shove the diver, captain and clam in and it falls down to the shark stomach. The stomach opens so you can dig them back out when you want to. He will play in the water with the shark and ship set until I make him get out. So I guess that makes it worth the dragging all the stuff in just to watch him really enjoy the shark eating everything.

After we had to check out of the hotel, we went to walmart because little man told me he wanted to pick out some ideas for us to get him for christmas. I said okay simply because I did not have any idea of what we should go do. Instead of picking out toys he heads straight to the electronics section and starts telling me how he wishes he could have the Nintendo DS, and some of the games. Then he starts playing the different games they have out for folks to "test drive". I don't know what game station it was, but he found a game where you raced a motorcycle, monster truck, or regular car or truck. When you crash or run the boost to long it actually shows the explosion. And if you get too close to the edge and slide off, it shows you falling down into the ravine. He thought that was really funny and played the game for a long time. It was fun just watching his facial expressions when he crashed or actually finished the race. Finally I told him that we were there for him to pick out toys which of course means that he will find something he can't live without, can he please please please have it now. No you cannot have it now, these are christmas ideas. It makes him mad but I tell him he will get over it. When we are just about out of time, I tell little man it is time to go so we can grab a happy meal for him. He eats his happy meal and watches a movie on the way back to his dad's, all the while telling me how much he misses me and how much he loves me and how much he wants to come home. It just makes me want to cry, but I cannot do that cuz it will make little man cry and I certainly don't want to do that. I will just give him lots of hugs and kisses and wait for the next time. And keep hoping and wishing that he will get to come home soon so I can hug and kiss him every day. Tuck him in every day. Just see him every day. What a wonderful time that will be.

I know that I do not post too much about deals really, but I have to mention to anyone reading this that there is a $500 walmart gift card give away over at deal seeking mom. Get over there and try for your chance. Just think how wonderful that would be to win and just in time for christmas!

Here is my Mother Letter

Dear Mother,

As I write this I hope you are enjoying your little ones' smile, I wish I had done so more.
As I write this I hope you are enjoying your little ones' laugh, I wish I had done so more.
As I write this I hope you are enjoying your little ones' giggle, chatter, frown, cry, scream and tantrum. I wish I had done so more.

As I write this letter, I no longer have my son with me. I no longer get to wake him up each morning, I no longer get to tuck him in at night.
As I write this letter, I no longer have my son to nag to hurry up and get ready for school, finish your homework, get in the tub and get ready for bed.
As I write this letter, I no longer have my son give a kiss to when he falls and hurts his knee, or is just walking by within reach to give a hug. My son is no longer in reach.

As I contemplated writing this letter, I saw many moms claiming their children were sucking the life out of them. These mothers had lost their patience in dealing with their little ones,
and I tell them be thankful for every minute, no matter what that minute contains. These mothers were ignoring their children's cry for help, for a tantrum, for just a little attention. I tell them,
do not ignore, enjoy every minute. You never know when it will be your last.

Please enjoy every possible second, you never know when it will be your last.

As I write this letter my heart goes out to all mothers who have lost their children, in whatever manner it may be. Perhaps you lost your child before birth, perhaps you lost an infant. Perhaps
you lost your child, not in death, but in kidnapping, or child custody or moving out. In whatever manner you have lost your child my heart bleeds with you. For whatever reason, if you have lost
your child from reach, you have not, and will never, lose your child from your heart. Your child is a part of you, Mother, and will always be. Cherish what memories you have, Mother. They will be
with you for the rest of your life. Enjoy every memory you have. I know that I will.

Love,
Michelle