Sad Day in the House

I lost. Big time. The judge stated that my testimony was irrelevant and my evidence was not valid, so none of it got entered. Everything my ex said was taken as gospel. My son even testified and his testimony backed up what I said and contradicted everything his dad said. The judge then stated that my son's testimony was not important and didn't count either. My atty was shocked at the whole situation. He said he had never seen the judge act that way. I told him that was because he had never seen my case in front of the judge before. He always says my testimony is irrelevant. He did let me enter evidence in the past. Then at the end of the day, he said that since I moved closer, and my son had never been to this house, on his order mind you that I could not leave the county his dad lives in during my visits, I couldn't bring him home, even for visits. (Sorry, that was quite the run-on sentence.) How the hell am I supposed to let my son see if he likes this house or is comfortable here, if I can't bring him here?

Then, even though I haven't found a job, and I have been trying to find one, I have to pay child support, because I quit my job to be closer. Then because this was a frivolous case, I have to pay all court costs, all court reporter costs, all atty fees, even for my ex, and doctor bills from the last three years because I couldn't afford insurance that would cover my son for out of state visits when I was still living in Illinois. I don't know how I'm supposed to pay any of it, since I can't find a job. The job that I thought I would have after moving down here fell through. It may or may not start sometime next year.

My atty told me that with this judge I would probably never get to bring my son home. This was our shot, and the judge blew it out of the water and wouldn't listen to anything I said, even when I had documentation to prove it. He refused to look at any records I brought with me. My atty told me that someday, I might get to have better visits. But at this point and the way the judge treated me, there is no guarantee.

My son was devastated. When the hearing was over, my ex's atty told him to let my have my son for a couple of hours. My ex went out in the hallway and said come on, you're going with your mom. He thought we won and that he was coming home. Then I had to be the one to tell him that we lost and the judge didn't listen to anything we said. He was angry that no one listened to him. His dad kept saying that if my son wanted to live with me, he would let him. But that's a big fat lie because my son tells everyone that he wants to live with me, but no one listens to him.

I am also devastated. My atty thought we had the case wrapped up and could not lose. I have had a bad feeling for several weeks and told him that. He said it was just nerves. We would be fine. So much for fine. This was a very hard lesson to learn at such a young age for my son. He had to learn that even though you go in and tell the truth, it doesn't always work. Sometimes the liars get their way. I don't know how this will affect him in the long run. He talked to me a bit on a couple of phone calls, but hasn't talked to me for more than about five minutes since early this week. I don't even know what to say to him. His dad keeps telling him that I am a bad mother and was hurting him by giving him the medicine prescribed by the doctor. I told him that the doctor is the one that said he had to have it (for acid reflux), and that was what I gave him. But his dad is telling him that I gave him like five different pills a day. Which is entirely untrue, but he doesn't remember. He just hears what his dad keeps telling him over and over, and I don't have enough time to undo all the damage he is causing in the relationship between my son and me. If he is allowed to say whatever he wants unchecked, I will not be able to undo it. There will be no stopping my ex now that the judge has ruled the way he has.

I don't really know what to do. I don't really think I have any more recourse in the case. My atty says this was the end of the line, although hopefully someday I can have better visits. With my ex being allowed to do whatever he wants now, I don't think that will happen. He will work diligently to ruin what we have right now. It's nowhere near as strong as it was when my son lived with me, nor even as strong as it was a year ago. I don't think it will take him too long to take it to the point where my son doesn't even want to see me anymore. I hope he doesn't, but I know that is his intention as my ex told me that right after all this started. That was his goal. Now he has the backup with this awful judge to do as he likes. Even if it hurts my son in the process, that's ok by him because my son is just a pawn to him. And I am the enemy. We will be the casualties in this war. Because that is how he sees life. A war and game to be won, at all costs. I just hope he doesn't destroy my son in his process of winning.

I hope that my son and I continue to have good visits, and that he won't pull away from me now. At this point, that is all I can hope for.

Hope life is treating you better than me.

Bad Directions, Pumpkins and Ice Cream

Well, the court date looms closer. No new problems have arrived. Next step is to tell my ex's attorney that I have a new address in state. It should make a huge difference in me being able to get my son back. They knew that I moved, but I never told them exactly where. Safety first, you know. I told my attorney who told his attorney, who told my ex, who told my son. That way my son could start asking and my ex could find me. Ha Ha. I am NOT telling a 10 year old anything. He will let things slip, even if he doesn't mean to. I didn't want my ex, or his friends, to be able to find me before I was ready.

Now my attorney is mailing the whatever it is that he has to file to show my new address in state. That means that within a week or so, my ex will have my address. He will come to find me or send his friends to.

Haha on him again. They will never find it. They re-routed the road that I live on a few years ago and apparently the change doesn't show up on the maps or GPS. We couldn't even find it when we were trying to look at the house to rent. We had to call for directions from the owner. My mom has GPS, and hers gave the wrong directions too. Of course, that doesn't mean he won't find it, but it won't be easy for him! They probably also aren't counting on the fact that we already alerted the landlord that lives directly in front of us and our other neighbors to the fact that he will be looking for me.

My landlord has about 100 acres and five houses on the property. We all get along really well, and they don't take to kindly to the idea that someone may want to come here and start trouble. And between all of us, someone is always home. Someone will always be around to see if someone comes up the driveway. That will put a damper on their plans!

My mom and I both had "stuff" happen to our vehicles when I lived up in Illinois. We know it was them, but of course proving it was a little difficult. Now, if they come around to mess with my car again, they will get caught. That would be nice to have them caught red-handed.

Of course, I realize that they may never come here and that I am just over-reacting. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I am jumping to conclusions about their behavior. Maybe their past behavior will not be in indication of their future behavior. Yeah, right.

Creepy has not been creepy lately. He has been thoroughly enjoying our visits. He is still not talking on the phone too much, but I don't worry about that as much now that he is having more fun and enjoying his time with me again. We went to the local pumpkin patch this past weekend and had a great time. Then we went and got ice cream. It was a beautiful weekend and we both had a lot of fun.

I have one more weekend visit and one holiday visit before the hearing. Keep your fingers crossed.

Update

I am still alive. We are still trying to get my boy home. All the papers have been filed, all the depositions completed, all the information has been subpeaoned. Is that a word? Or spelled right? We are now waiting on our court date. Supposedly it will be in September sometime towards the end. Right now, I am as tense as can be. This waiting is for the birds. Our visits are mostly ok, although Creepy has been a little quiet and stressed. He says there is nothing he wants to talk about even when I press. I just hope his dad hasn't talked him into wanting to stay with him. He does tell me that he still wants to come home, so I hope he means it. Hopefully, he wants to come home still when we go to court. That would be really sucky to get to court only to hear him say that he changed his mind because his dad buys him lots of toys to stay there. Hope all is well with you guys out there in blogger-land. I will post when we have more news

The Results Are In

I had my deposition last Friday. According to my attorney, it went well. My ex was beligerent to my atty. He did not answer several questions. He answered questions that my atty asked with questions of his own, and had to be advised by his atty to stop asking the questions, he was not allowed to. When my atty would ask a series of questions, he would pick an answer and repeat  himself without ever answering the questions. He, of course, lied his way through the deposition. At one point, he even made complaints about how I dressed at a function that I took my son to. My atty kept asking him what was wrong with the way I dressed and did he always have a problem with it. His response was that I was dressed inappropriately for the occasion in question and that it was wrong because it was me. He complained about me waving good bye and honking the horn at my son when I leave him at his dad's, saying it was all just some crazy bizarre ritual and routine that I set up to harm my son. My atty asked him if waving good bye and honking horns are bad and he said that when I do it, yes. He kept saying that it was some crazy routine. My atty asked him if he had any routines and he said no. My atty then asked if they went to church, he said yes my son went to church but could only go with his grandma on the weekends he was home. My atty then asked about the prayers that my ex swore up and down that they do every night before bed. My atty pointed out that those are routines, is there something wrong with them? Apparently, according to my ex, only routines I have with my son are crazy. All the routines he has are A-Ok. The douche-bag. He looked like he had crawled out of bed right before he came in as well. His hair was a mess, his clothes were all wrinkled, and he kept yawning the whole time. I'm sorry? But isn't this an important mile-stone in our case? Isn't it important enough to take a shower and get cleaned up before coming in? Or at the very least, he could have brushed his hair. Too bad there was no one there except the two of us, the court reporter, and our lawyers.

Then it was my turn to answer questions. The atty who has been handling the case was ill and would not be handling the deposition. His assistant would be. He ended up leaving about 10 minutes into the questioning for me. Which was fine. He is very intimidating. She asked questions that involved S's health and my mental well-being. My atty stepped in and stated that she was beyond the scope of the pleadings and that her questions were out of line. We would be willing to answer if she wanted, however it was to go on record that he was advising her to alter her line of questions. She stated that she would continue right along the line she started as long as I would answer. It went quicker than I thought it would. It was not nearly as stressful with the gal doing the questioning instead of the the other intimidating atty.

Next thing I know, we are done. We head outside and then I can talk to my atty. He tells me a few times that he cannot believe she continued on the questions the way she did as it allows us to use all of the old material. The doctor records that the judge and other atty would not allow the first time, S's school records and medical records down there, my mental health evaluation (I am sane-the psychologist says so!), and all the other evidence brought into play by them the first time around. Now my atty can rip my ex to shreds. I can't wait for court now.

I do not have a court date yet. First step right now is to get a copy of the transcripts from the deposition. My atty will then go through the transcripts and file to get copies of whatever records he needs to have for the hearing. Then he will go through all those files to make his notes of what my ex testified to in the deposition and compare it to the records from all the facilites that we get records from. There will be many discrepancies of course. He really hanged himself this past Friday with all the lies that he told. Yay for me.

After the deposition was over, I knew it would be time to relax. What I didn't bank on was the crash. After several months of constant mid-level stress, and two days of high level stress, my body was ready to shut down. My mom and I got back to the hotel and finished unloading the car, I checked my email, we went to get a couple of salads at the restaurant in front of the hotel, and I went to bed to take a nap. I felt like I could hardly move. I went to see MM Friday night to let him know how it all went. I was so tired I could not sleep. I got S for the day on Saturday and still felt totally drained. Saturday after I dropped S off at his dad's, I dropped mom off at the hotel, and made my way back to MM's house.  I took a shower, had some dinner, and we chatted for a little bit. I was ready for bed pretty early. I fell asleep quite easily. However, (and you knew there was a however didn't you?) I was not able to stay asleep for very long. With the time change, I kept waking up from fear I would oversleep. I was not able to get it out of my brain that the alarm would wake me up. So from about 1:30 am on, I was mostly up. That made for a tired visit again on Sunday. S had been sick for the previous few days so he was not a bundle of energy which made it nice to just sit and nap rest with my eyes closed for a little bit. It was total misery driving home though. I was exhausted. And yet again I could not sleep last night. I think I am so tired that my brain won't shut off. I plan on going home and taking a nap today. I could really use one right no....zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh wait, where was I? Yes, yes. I plan on going to bed tonight at an earlier time than usual. Even after my nap when I get home.

And tomorrow night? I start packing in earnest.

So tell me, Interneters? How did you spend your weekend? Did you have some nice spring like weather? Did you have a good time resting from the long hard workweek? How are you doing?

This, That and The Other

I am starting a new blog. I will still keep this one going, but will use the other one for my more R rated posts. This one will follow along the same thread that it has been on.

I have an update on my situation with my son. I have a deposition tomorrow. It was set for February, but as with all things related to this deal, it got rescheduled to March. It is still on for tomorrow as of today. We will be driving down tonight so I can get a good night sleep. I need to be on my toes for this. They can ask pretty much anything they want to in a deposition. I am trying hard not to freak out about it, and for the most part I am succeeding. I will be breathing a huge sigh of relief once we are done tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I have been super busy at work. I am taking today to be a slug and not get much done. I have big stacks of work to get done, but it will all still be here when I get back, so I am going to take a few minutes for myself. I have been working non-stop for about two weeks now, and just need a slower day.

I have been packing and sorting at home. I knew I had a lot of shit, but did not realize just how much til I started packing it up. Yikes. Purge City is where I need to head. And Goodwill. They won't know what hit them when I get done.

Wow, this is starting to sound like a random Tuesday post. I should have taken the time on Tuesday to post all this so I could participate in Keely's RTT. Oh, well. There will always be next Tuesday. I'm sure after the deposition and a weekend with my mom and my son, I will have more random.

Hope Friday and the weekend treats you all well. I will probably not be logging on much or at all this weekend. Well, I might tomorrow after the deposition so I don't have to sit with my mom and me couped up in the hotel room all day and night. It will give me something to do. And I can let you all know how it went.

I Am So In Charge

Well, I have made a command decision. I just like the way that sounds. Like I am actually in charge of something. Or that I am in control of the household. Wait, I am the household. So, dammit, I am in charge of the household. I am so in charge. Go me, Go me. I'm the boss. Okay, okay, I just went too far. I certainly don't need that to go to my head.

Anyway, my decision. I am going to throw a ton of shit away. Now, before that can make any sense to you, I have to go back. Go back in time. Close your eyes, you are getting sleepy, and now the clock is turning backwards. NO, wait that's what the shrink is supposed to say.

Way back when S was taken by his dad, I was getting ready to move into my new house. Well, not a new house, it's a wonderful old house, but new to me. I had sort of started packing and had a couple of big bags of trash that I wanted to get rid of before moving. Mostly this consisted of things like scratch paper that S had drawn on, old clothes not fit to pass on, you know, that sort of junk stuff that seems to accumulate and grow and multiply like rabbits. Then I found out that S wasn't coming home. I refused to part with it. It was a connection for me to him. I would get rid of it after the next court date. Then the next one. Then the next one. You see where this is going? Hmmm?

Then, of course, S keeps getting older and bigger. He can no longer wear the clothes that I had for him. He no longer will play, nor should he, with all the toys I had for him. Most of the books are well under his reading ability. There are some that will be right up his alley now, though. But, I could not part with it. It was like a talisman that he would come home so long as I kept everything to show that I loved him whole-heartedly. If I kept all the stuff he would be home soon.

Well, we see how that is going. Three years later, I still have no son home and a house full of shit that I can't use, don't need, and should have pitched a long time ago.

/Insert command decision here./
I am purging this weekend. All of it is going bye-bye. Either the clothes-with tags still on mind you-will go to the womens shelter for the kids they bring in with them or the salvation army. The toys will meet the same fate. And the trash? It will find it's rightful home in the dumpster. And when I am done, I shall feel lighter. I shall feel rejuvinated. I shall feel less burdened. And I will still have hope that my son will come home. Whether or not I save his pictures and drawings from when he was three has absolutely no bearing on when he comes home. And I shall not be a slave any longer to the superstitions of, umm, goofyness. That is the only word I can come up for that. I told my mom that the saved items do not make the memories, the memories are in my brain, however fogged up it may be. (Which it wouldn't be so fogged up if I was getting some sleep. Which would happen if I stayed home instead running out to meet the Mail Man.) The memories are just that, my memories. Saving the paper doesn't make it stay longer. I won't forget the times we had sitting at the table together drawing and playing silly games, whether I keep the drawing or not. And when I start to lose the memories in old age, well, I won't know that I am losing the memory. So therefore, I have lost nothing.

I will also turn up the music this weekend while I am purging. I will even have a good time doing it. I shall dance around my house while cleaning it out. I will have a good time and lose nothing of importance. I will remember. And move forward. ( And I really need to stop using sentance fragments too, but that is neither here nor there.)

Finally, A Court Date

Finally. Well, last Tuesday I had the first hearing. It was a joke of a court room. It was held in a civil court setting where all the cases are just argued out there in front of the whole room. People were in and out of the courtroom the whole time. The door was loud and it was distracting every time it slammed shut. My case was called as the second hearing. Unfortunately my ex and his atty were not there yet so we had to wait until the last case was heard. While we waited our turn, we actually heard a case where one man was sueing another for money just in case the leasing company sued him after an accident that happened over six years ago. What is wrong with the people in that particular area? It totally blew my mind all the cases I heard that morning. Finally it was our turn. We were there to argue whether to be allowed to have a hearing and if my son could keep the atty that had already been appointed. First, my ex's atty gets up and talks about how unusual this case was and it was his first time fighting a case like this, the first time as far as he knew for the county. Then says that the case should be summarily dismissed because I am crazy. They all said so. *insert me rolling my eyes* Then my atty gets up and states that is not true and the entire case is disputed facts therefore the case could not be summarily dismissed. SURPRISE: the judge agreed with my atty! That is a first!!!! That means we progress to depositions, discovery and a custody hearing.

Next up was the issue with the GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) that was already appointed for my son. The ex's atty actually said that he did not know if any of the allegations made by me were true or not but that did not matter. What mattered was that I was ordered to carry health insurance, but since I stated that I could not afford it, I could obviously not afford to pay the GAL and therefore the cost would fall to his client. No GAL should be appointed and set aside the order. My atty got up and stated that no court costs that have been remanded to me have been unpaid. I have fulfilled my court cost obligation every time and there was no indication that I would not pay these costs. Then my ex's atty gets up and says there is a new State Supreme Court ruling that says that only in extraordinary cases can the child have a GAL. The judge asked him what was his definition of extraordinary. Yes, the judge asked my ex's atty to provide the definition of an extraordinary for the court. WTF?!?!?!? The ex's atty said he did not know. So the judge said that he would set aside the GAL order. Actually he said that so many orders were filed with the courts to be filed that there was no way for the judges to always know what they were signing and they always got one side or the other mad for signing orders. I simply cannot believe what transpires in the courts down there. It is insane.

So, while we lost the GAL for S we do still get to go to court. We will just have to find another way around the issue. Next up is trying to get dates set for the depositions and such. I don't have a date for them yet. Hopefully soon.

On a personal note, I met someone. I have been on a couple of dates with him and so far we are getting along great. My dad introduced us one night a few months ago. He is a bit older than me. Well a lot actually. He is about 20 years older than me. So far no one in my family has been bothered by it. I thought they might be, but they don't seem to care. Pretty much all they have said so far is they don't care about his age or skin color, just how he treats me. So far, only with respect. He better or he'll be on the curb with the rest of them. I won't go into any details yet, mostly because other than sitting and talking to get to know each other there are not any details.

I also wanted to put in a mention for all those that want to whiten their teeth, I found a product that actually worked. For me at least. (I get nothing for mentioning this-they don't even know I exist.) Aquafresh White Trays are what I used. They were fabulous. I have sensitive teeth and other whitening products hurt my teeth or caused even more sensitivity. These White Trays were really easy to use, they did not make my teeth hurt and you only use them for seven days. I can totally live with that. My mom said that she can really tell a big difference in the color of my teeth. YEAH! Money well spent.

That pretty much brings you all up to speed with everything. I will let you know when I get some more dates for the custody issues. Hope this finds you all well.

What a Surprise. And a recipe.

Well, I am back from my visit with my son. And guess what? That's right, no hearing. It does not really surprise me. I did get another date on Monday from my attorney. This time the hearing is set for Tuesday, November 24th. Hopefully this time the hearing will happen. I had a great time with my son this past weekend. We played alot and spent some time just sitting together. He was feeling better, or so he said. He was a little bit more tired and a little bit less active. But all in all, he seemed to be better. He did eat really well too.

For our visit around the hearing, I will see S on the 21st and 22nd, meet with the attorney on the 23rd. Have the hearing on the 24th, hang out on the 25th, and see S again for Thanksgiving holiday on the 26th and 27th. That's a lot of living at a hotel. Not my favorite, but better than the cold wet campgrounds. Man, I can't believe how wet it has been this year. It's been hard to camp some weekends. A few times we ended up just going to the hotel because it rained so much. Other times we toughed it out and hoped we didn't get washed away.

My mom and I learned how to cook in a dutch oven over a fire this summer. That was some tasty eatin'. We made a pork stew. I found a store that carries large cans of pork. I have never had canned pork like that and thought we would give it a try since it needs no refrigeration prior to opening and that makes it handy when camping. So we took some onions, potatoes, celery and carrots to put in it. We added some spices that I always have in the camping kit (salt, pepper steak seasoning, and garlic). We also brought along a bit of cornstarch to make a thickening sauce, and dumped it all in. That was it. We put it over the fire and let it cook up and it was really good. It does not take very long to cook, and it stays warm for a long time as well.

The pork we used was not like the canned ham that I have found in the grocery stores. It was like a roasted pork loin that had been cooked and then stuck in the can. I think it would have made great BBQ as well. I do plan to try that next time. The can was a big can too. I think it was like 28 ounces or something. Enough to feed a whole bunch of us. And even better was the price. I only paid around $5 for a little over two pounds, instead of the $1 + I spend on the cans that are only around 5 ounces. If you can find some in your area, it is worth the price for the convenience of precooked ham that does not have to be kept cold.

So have you found any neat food items in your searches for good deals? Made anything tasty lately?

MIA

It seems I owe everyone an apology. My life is crazy and hectic right now. We have had court dates come up and be cancelled and new dates set. I have not been shopping to share deals in ages as I am saving up to pay for attorney costs, court costs, filing fees; it seems like the list never ends. I have been super busy at work since I have been taking time off for court dates that never happen. I have been trying hard to keep a positive attitude through all of this. I have been really struggling this last month in particular. I feel like I have so much to do, so many things that I want to accomplish, and just not enough time to get to all of it. So, I let you, my readers down. I am sorry for that. I will do my best to get here and post. It may not have much to do with deals and steals. It may just be random musings and updates on what is going on with my son and me.

I have been feeling down in the dumps for many reasons lately. I was told by my son several weeks ago that he needed more dental work done. This little boy, well not so little boy, is only nine years old and because of the poor nutrition and shoddy dental care has had to get eight cavities filled. While this was going on, because he is also stressed, he wound up mouth ulcers. I know they were painful. He hardly ever complains about pain, and yet he continually told me how his mouth hurt. My son had some dental work done earlier this year, and more done this fall, and who knows how much more before his dad is done ruining his teeth. Just last week they had to pull a tooth because the dental work done was not the greatest and because his teeth were in such bad shape, the tooth broke. So, out it came. He was terrified and when I called him, he was in tears because he was so afraid it was going to hurt. With my policy to never, ever lie to him, I told him it might hurt. He should ask his dad to tell the dentist that he was scared it would hurt. He told me his dad does not go in with him, he has to go in by himself and that scared him too. I swear I don't know what is wrong with that man. He did get the tooth pulled last week and thankfully he did not have any pain. Then he tells me that he got the flu shot. That was on Tuesday. Friday when I called he was sick. Saturday when I called he was sick again. "The doctor" said he had bronchitis. Or bronchy-itis as my son used to say. Then on Sunday he did not say anything about not feeling well. When I called last night, he was even sicker and this time he went to the doctor and he was diagnosed with the flu. If it was up to me, he would have never gotten the flu shot. I will save my rant on the flu shots for another day, but suffice it to say, I don't like them. In the midst of all of this, I have to keep hearing snide hateful comments from my ex, listen to my son repeat them because that is all he is hearing down there, and in general just feel stressed out by the upcoming court dates. And I only get every other weekend for a few hours to try to make up for all of it.

I don't mean all of this as a pity party. I don't even really want sympathy. I just wanted to let you know that I may not always post right now because it would not be very nice of me to post a bunch of negative things out here and bring you all down. I will try to get back on schedule of posting and try to keep them positive.

On an unrelated note, I have also been very worried about our economy, and the direction I see our government headed. What I see scares me. Not like the terrified, can't sleep at night sort of thing. The scared just enough to try to figure out what I need to do to be prepared for anything. Like job loss, outbreaks of swine flu that our local government over reacts to. You know, that sort of thing. I also have been stressed at work. There is a woman that I have to work with that is awful. You know the kind that wants credit for every good thing and blames you for every mistake. She has even tried to get me fired on more than one occasion. I used to not be too worried about it as I had a buffer. Now, the buffer got tired of working here and moved on. So, no more buffer. Then she has maintenance move her office so she is right next door to me. She comes in at least once a day to "say hello" or just "ask a question". I don't believe her for one second. She is back to her old tricks of complaining about me to everyone and anyone. Fortunately, most people are already onto her games and don't listen, but a few do. And those few could make my life hell. I am trying not to borrow trouble, but with this kind of person, I must always be ready and prepared as best as I can. She attacks when you least expect it.

So, I have been trying to be good at work, get things done at home, fret about finances, simmer and stew about my son, worry about the economy, and just try to keep a smile on my face and steam in my engines. I am certain that I am not accomplishing much these days, even though I feel like I am constatly on the go and pulled every which way.

Okay, after all my whining, how are you all doing? Better I sincerely hope.

I'm Tired, and my cats are destructive

I had my weekend with my son. I got stuck in traffic that was nearly at a standstill in Kentucky. There was construction on the interstate and I was not paying attention to my radio and missed the fact that there was a backup. I could have gone around it if I had been listening. Oh, well, I got to be amused by the truck drivers. I got down there late and conked out in the backseat for a couple of hours. I picked up S and showed him my new phone. He was not nearly as impressed to start with as I thought he would be. That eventually changed. We played hard all day. It was hot and sunny. We went swimming, played cars, star wars, all that good stuff. He did warm up to the phone after he realized that I had the bluetooth and he could talk with the earpiece. He then wanted me to show him the internet. He had a blast with it after that.
After I took him home, I took a shower to get all that icky pool water off of me. I called S to talk. While I waited for him to call me back, I read more of my Stephanie Plum novel by Janet Evanovich. These books are the best. Always enough funny stuff going on to keep my laughing and bring my mood up. Thanks to my friend K for showing me this series. After a while S called back. I made my way into the tent for the night. I read by the light of the dvd player while some batman movie was in. I have never actually watched the movie, but after seeing part of it last night, I will watch the whole thing one of these days. Somewhere in the middle of the night it started raining. At first it was that gentle rain that you enjoy while slumbering. Then it started raining hard. It was really loud in a tent. Then it started raining even harder. Then harder yet. I thought my tent would collapse it was raining so hard. There was a dry creek bed next to our campsite. I could hear the water rushing through it. I was slightly worried it would make its way over to my tent. It was impossible to sleep at that point. I laid there and listened hoping it would lighten back up to that enjoyable level of rain. Nope, it just kept raining so hard I could not hear myself think. Which was a good thing because I was still wondering if I was going to float down the hill right into the river. It did finally ease up a bit by the time the sun was coming up. Course by then I needed to get up so I could start getting ready for my day with S. I climbed out of the tent to a world of soppiness. Everything, and I mean everything was soaked. Water even got into the car somehow. I dried up what I could. Thankfully I don't leave much out. So it was just a couple of plastic tubs that got wet. Everything else had been picked up before bed. I got ready and picked up S. We played in the tent while it was windy and rainy outside. Eventually I moved the gazebo over the tent so at least one thing had an opportunity to dry. Then the sun came out. OMG, talk about humid. I was dripping and it was not sweat. There was that much water in the air and the sun came out. Ugh. Thank goodness it was relatively cool out. We enjoyed our day with toys, games and water balloons. When it was time to deliver my buddy back to his dad's house, he started playing with the phone. It has a "notepad" to make notes (duh). I now have half a dozen notes. I have voice recording on the phone as well. I now have my son's voice and requests recorded to listen to anytime I want. He sure did have lots of fun with that phone.
On the way home, I ran into car wrecks with backed up traffic and again-construction with backups. It was a long ride home. I was already tired because of a lack of sleep the two previous nights. Just get home, I kept telling myself. Open the window, close the window. Find a good song to sing along with, shift around in the seat. Just don't close the eyes and we will be good. I got home, grabbed my purse, the keys and the phone. Drag up to the door, put the key in, start swinging the door open, hang on what was that? Something just brushed up against my legs. Please tell me the outdoor kitty made it in. She has been trying for weeks. Nope, it was my goofy Kitten. I grabbed the bag of food to try to get his attention. I don't leave him out for fear of him getting into a fight. Because he would start it. The heathen. I finally got him close enough to grab. The brat. I dragged his butt back into the house. I made a pit stop in the bathroom, stripped on the way to the bedroom and crashed. Next thing I know, it is about 5:30. I am dog tired and I wake up at 5:30? What is wrong with me? I lounged there for about a half hour petting the cats. More accurately getting smothered by the cats. They must have missed me. I get up and get started cleaning out the car. I can not figure out why it takes so much more time to unload than it does to load. I throw on some clothes and head off to the car rental place. I am so tired that my eye started twitching this morning. After some (un)healthy doses of caffeine, it stopped.

To get to the destruction part: My cats are destruction with fur. They are little time bombs waiting to happen. I walked into my kitchen last night and the floor was covered with fur. I swear they kidnapped a cat and plucked its fur for fun this weekend. There has to be a naked cat running around in my neighborhood. Otherwise I cannot figure out where all the fur came from. Not just a puff or two. It seriously looks like enough fur to cover an entire cat. Then I walk into the living room. From the corner of my eye I can see something big in the storage room. I turn on the light. It is something big alright. It is everything in the storage room in a big pile in the middle. Gone are my tidy stacks of tubs and boxes. Tipped are the lamps and coat tree. It looks like a bomb went off in there and all the rubble was piled up. I could not even look at it. I decided to ignore it for now. I think tonight I will close the door and not look at it again til this weekend. That seems like a good way to deal with it. Pretend it is not there. After all, when I get home I have to find the naked cat and stick some of that fur back on. Do you think if I spit on the cat and stick the fur on it that the fur will stick? Or should I break out the glue stick? I also have to get ready and repack and wash and all that for my next trip, which I leave for on Wednesday. I visit for my eight hours on Thursday, which is my birthday, come home and get Sassy to the vet by 7ish in the morning on Friday for her surgery. I was going to take the day off to sleep, but if I have to take her into town and then wait until after 3:00 to pick her up, I might as well go to work. Then I get to take her home and start cleaning the disaster zone. Hopefully there are no new ones in the mean time. I also get to watch my kitty. Apparently she is one of those cats that does not tolerate the meds well and so she is pretty loopy for a day or two after the surgery. She runs into things and falls off the couch. If it weren't so nerve racking, it would be funny. She normally is very graceful and classy. Give her a bit of anesthesia and she is a klutzy dope. She would certainly be a cheap date, one drink and she would be done.

So how was your weekend? Any excitement for your life?

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for a lot. I will still keep to my list of five however.

1. My atty is making progress. We have more filed and are getting closer to a court date.
2. Donuts. I am sitting here eating my way through six donuts. I know I will suffer all day from this, but they are donuts, they are on my desk, therefore, they are MINE!
3. I finally got rid of the camper, they picked it up and it is outta here.
4. I finally had a regular full weekend visit with my son. Those short visits are hard, especially when they happen more than one at a time.
5. My dad is going to help me with getting a new car and paying for the GAL for my son. I totally need the help financially for this. My car is dying painfully and I cannot afford an atty for my son, but he definitely needs one.

What are you thankful for this week? Take a moment and think about what makes you smile.

Another Great Weekend AKA: The Best Weekend Ever

I went down to see my son again this weekend. It started Friday afternoon on a bad note. I was renting a car and was supposed to be picked up at 3:30. At 3:40, I called to see where the ride was. They were running late, but sorry we forgot to call. So, I continue to wait impatiently. My ride finally got there and the driver said he was sorry and did the guys call? I said no, I had to call them when you weren't here. He was not surprised. Then when I walk inside to rent the car, I kept getting excuses, you know, they were busy. Then I find out that the car that I was supposed to rent was given out and the car they have is not clean, I have to wait while they vacuum it out. That all made me not happy. Plus the car is not very big. I asked for a full size car because they keep giving me small cars that don't have enough room for all the stuff I take for my trips. This one was no different. I like the car and if I did not need it to be packed full for the trip it would have been great. As it was, it was nice to drive, handled well and was overall just pretty nice.

The drive was not too bad. But we did get a late start. I left my mom at the campgrounds while I went to get S for the day on Saturday. The first thing he did was start asking about the car and opening all the little doors and cubby holes. A few minutes later he told me he wants me to not go to court right now and that he does not want to talk to an atty. "Someone" has told him that the atty will go and tell everyone what S tells him. I have already told him that won't happen, but now he is scared. Great. Without S's help, I can't bring him home. I started to tell him all that same stuff again. We continued on that path for a few minutes until he changed the subject. I let him. I basically just encouraged him all day to play and have fun, with a time or two of reminders that he needed to talk to the atty and that he would be safe even if he did. It must have worked because on Sunday morning he informed me that he would talk to an atty and how long before he got one? I had no idea. I told him I would work on it. During the course of the day, he made my mom and I pinkie swear that we would not tell all the stuff he told us. Towards the end of the day he was making us pinkie swear not to tell again, but that time he added that he wanted to be the one to tell. He asked again when he got an atty. On the way to his dad's house he told me that his dad told him to write some stuff down about visits. He told S to write down that S wanted to come home only two times a year for a regular visit like we have now. S told me that he needed to find it and get rid of it because it was not what he wanted. His dad told him to write it. Oh, that is just super for the case. I did not say anything to S because I did not want him to stress about it any more than he apparently already was. He looked like he was crying when we dropped him off. Sunday night when I called him, he sounded like he was crying at the start of the phone call. He told me he did not know how he could keep doing all this. He was tired. He did not think he could do it anymore. I told him not to give up, we can do this one day at a time just like we have been doing it all along. Just one day, I will call him, and then we will mark another day off on the calendar, counting down to our next visit. He did seem to cheer up some by the time the phone call was over. At least he was no longer crying.

I called my atty the next day and told him what S had been telling me, about the letter, being tired, not wanting to talk anymore. Asked what could be done now to help S out. We are going to try to get the atty for S today. I hope that is accomplished while he can still remember what we talked about this weekend. I told him that the atty was his, could not tell anyone what S told him, and that S could tell the atty anything that was bothering him, no matter what or who it was about. This atty would be for S and S alone, not me and not his dad. He would be safe talking to him. I hope he remembers and does talk to him. I hope that my atty gets it accomplished today. He also is going to work on getting a court date. I hope that tomorrow I can post on here that we have a new atty for my son and an upcoming court date.

As for the visit part of the weekend, it was great. As usual S declared it the best visit ever. Every time we have a visit, it is the best one ever. We bought a tent to put up and the directions were awful. Not to mention that it was hard to put together. It was supposed to be one of those pop up tents, but they don't tell you on the outside of the box that you have to be he-man to pop some of the pieces in place. I did finally get it in place. S loved the tent. It had a "doggie door" in it and he had a blast crawling in and out of it. We played in the tent and he set it all up for us to sleep in it. Then we played cars. We had all the race cars and fast cars out so we could race. We took pictures of the winners in the winners circle that he created. We played Star Wars. We made hamburgers that he got to put the seasoning on....A lot of seasoning. They were tasty. We also had fried potatoes and brownies that my mom made. We went for a walk. We played video games. On Sunday, we watched a dvd, played more cars, played more Star Wars. S always wins of course. More video games. More tent playing. That doggie door was a big hit. S informed me that our tent was the best tent there was. Even better than the really big ones. We also played "baseball" in the tent with a little bitty ball of aluminum foil. Then S took two more pieces of aluminum foil and "made" a tannning bed. I have no idea why a tanning bed, but that is what he said. We just had a lot of fun playing on the best visit ever with the best tent ever and the best toys ever. S is just too funny with his best ever's. I personally can't wait for the best ever day - the one where he gets to come home.

Wow, My Weekend and Some Rambling

That is all I can say about my weekend. I was home this weekend. I did not go visit my son for the weekend. I went last weekend for just Sunday. Then I also went to see him on Thursday for a few hours for his birthday. We celebrated his birthday on Sunday with presents and brownies. He does not like cake, only the icing. So, we had brownies. It is all a chocolate-y goodness, so makes no difference to me. We had a blast. We pretty much just played all day.

Then I think Thursday was my undoing. I totally enjoyed my time with my son. I saved a couple of cards and one present for his actual birthday. We went to the river and the park to play as well. Of course I had to drop him off after just a couple of hours and it was really sad. Not enough time. He did tell me I was the first to sing him Happy Birthday on his birthday, and he said it with the sweetest little smile. Then as I was dropping him off, he said he liked the big van better than all the different cars I've been driving (two rentals and my moms explorer). When I asked why he had the funniest answer. Because the big van has two side doors that open and he feels like a king when we open both doors to let him out. In all the cars, there is just one door and he's just a regular kid. I laughed a lot at that one. I may have to get another full size van to replace my old one just to make my kid feel like a king again!

I also sold the camper (I hope). I am waiting on the title to arrive to my house. A couple came and looked at it on Sunday and said consider it sold, call them when the title comes in and they will come and get it. I was doing the happy dance for hours. I thought I would never sell it. At least for what I wanted to get out of it. I am actually getting more than I paid for it, but not more than I spent on it. I will recoup everything I have had out of pocket from it. That is super news, and more money to put towards the hearing and the court costs if they are soon or a new car if it is going to be months before we get to court.

Back to the undoing. When I had to leave S this past Thursday, it was all I could do to hold my tears in. I am not usually happy to drop him off, but am pretty good at keeping my emotions in check. I think it was kind of a combination of two short visits in a row followed by his birthday. He just keeps getting older, and he is still not home. This is really hard. I am really tired of waiting. I think that it is part of the bad guy team plan (my ex and his atty). Part of MSBP is that the mom's start to get more emotional and stressed the longer it takes to get their children back. Oh, yes cause all mom's would start to relax and get calmer as the time passes without their kids. (can you see the sarcasm dripping off that comment?) Craziness I tell you. I think they are hoping that I go nuts and start raving like a lunatic if they keep dragging it out and make it so they are not available to get dates and times set up. Nope, I will just calmly rip him a new one the first chance I get. Hopefully right after court....Right after the court (hopefully-keeping my fingers crossed) terminates all his rights.

Anyway, I think I am sad about my son getting older and I am missing it. Yes, I realize I do get to see him. But I am missing the day to day things. The discoveries, the playing, the interacting with the pets and other children. The interacting with me. Even the arguing. So I came home from my visit and decided this weekend was as good as any to start getting the house cleaned up. I actually plug in the tv and put in a movie. Now I do not have any new movies. All my movies are either about 10 years old (or older) or Disney movies. I just put it on in the background and by the end of the movie, I had been crying for at least four different scenes and through the whole ending. Not just the sad stuff, at all the mushy stuff and happy stuff too. So I watched a different movie with the same results. The second movie, BTW, was Harry Potter, the first one-Sorcerer's Stone- and has absolutely no reason to cry. At least it did not used to have any reason to cry for me in the past. I got done cleaning in the front half of my house and moved on to the kitchen. I plugged in the tv/vcr combo. I just needed the noise, and usually I don't need that either. I was just weird all weekend. I watched Homeward Bound. That movie is from ages ago, and I have watched it a billion times, I know all the animals make it home. Instead at the point you think one of the dogs is going to die, I cried for the whole rest of the movie, right through the end where he lives and makes it home. I'm talking sobbing, nose running and all.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really do wish I knew exactly what is going on with me this weekend. I am feeling better today, albeit catty. I am not really sure what is wrong with that though. Sometimes a gal just needs to be catty and let it all out. I just don't know if I had been holding it all in for too long, and it burst out, or if I am just lonely, or if I am just stressed because I don't like my job, I don't like my ex, and I want my kid back. I am just confused. But at least this week I know which day it is! :)

Here is a pic of us on his birthday, when he did not feel like a king, but did feel special that I sang Happy Birthday to him. Me with my shiny face and S playing his new DS game.

Phone Calls

According to the court order, I get a phone call to my son every day, approximately for 30 minutes. My phone call last night was frustrating and hilarious. The first part of the phone call was spent trying to get S's attention as his dad kept trying to talk to him in the background (this is a common occurence). Then I finally get his attention by talking about his birthday that is coming up and our visits. I get to see him on Sunday (8 hours) and again on Thursday (3 hours-I'd like to know who thought three hours for me on his birthday when I am the one that carried him and had to push him out after being in labor for two days was a good amount of time!). Andyway, we talk about what we are going to do on these two visits and all the stuff he wants for his b-day.
me: I am going to make some more homemade bread for this weekend, you want some?
s: yeah, and brownies.
me: I figured, I already have the stuff to make brownies.
S: and eggs. (he really loves hard boiled eggs-just the whites he won't eat the yolks.)
me: I figured that too. How many do you think I should bring?
S: 24.(giggling)
me: 24!!! are you kidding if you ate that many you would be sick
S: you can have some too.
me: I still think 24 is too many let's have less than that.
S: okay, then 12(giggling)
me: I guess I can handle 12(I will use the leftovers for egg or tuna salad for work)
S: I will eat six and you eat six.
me: So in one day you are going to eat six eggs, bread, brownies, and whatever else I bring?
S:yep.

Then there were more interruptions in the background and I had to struggle to get back his attention. Finally the word presents caught him.

me: I thought we would split the presents between the two visits.
S: presents?
me: are you listening, I thought we could do presents on both days.
S: does that mean I would get more?
me: no, I would just bring down some on Sunday and the rest on Thursday.
S: I want the ds games on Sunday, the rest on Thursday then.
me: of course you do.
S: I would also like a few little surprises.
me: what do you mean a few little surprises?! We will be lucky to be able to get all that you asked for.
S: just something small like a matchbox car or something. Just something that is a surprise.
(We tend to get him exactly what he asks for if it is something we can afford. When he lived with me we would get him surprises.)
me: I think that I can do that.
S: what will you get?
me: a surprise.

We go on about presents for a couple more minutes when his dad interrupts to harass me again. Then I lose S's attention again. Finally get him talking about his "helicopter" that he is building. He talks for a few more minutes and then get lost in the movie he is watching. I keep asking questions and eventually he answers them about his ball game, the dog and the cat. Before we know it, our time is up. I still enjoy my phone calls, just hearing him laugh and giggle, hearing his tales of life and make believe. Even with all the interference, I at least get to hear him, tell him I love him and hear it right back.

Flashback Friday

Flashback Friday is brought to you by Jill over at Scarymommy.com

I apologize! This post is long and rambly (is that a word?) and I only chose it because I am feeling sentimental today with my visit coming up tomorrow. You don't have to read it if you don't want to!

(Originally Posted) Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Bond Between a Mother and a Son
Bear with me. This title may seem like it has nothing to do with my post, but hang in there and you will see the relevance.I tried to have a little fun teasing my son this past week. He was again reminding me what he had asked for for christmas. I was visiting this weekend and I got lots of reminders. And questions of if we were going to go and buy him some presents. I told him no of course. I was not buying any presents for him in front of him. We did go shopping and he had a lot of fun. I left him with my mom for a few minutes to pick out a present for me. Mom said he was very proud and impressed with his decisions. When he was done picking for me he wanted to go look at toys while my mom went to pay.And so it began, can I have this and this and this. No, No, NO! It is only a few days until christmas. My mom and I discussed this behavior after dropping my son off at his dad's. We have come to the conclusion that he does this because his dad puts him up to it. Not always in a fashion that points directly to him. More of a sneaky, I will pull one over on them type of thing. My ex will take my son to walmart, take him to the toy section and let him look at the toys. Now, there is nothing wrong with that. I do the same thing, because he likes to look at the toys and dream, "if I had lots of money". The problem begins when my son asks for something. Instead of saying no and being done with it, my ex says well sure you can have it if you buy it. Or he will say something along the lines of he does not get child support, so he can't afford it. Like my son should even be in a discussion about whether or not my ex gets child support. Or lastly, he tells my son, sure you can have it, just tell your mom to get it for you. Your mom should buy that for you. Then I take my son to walmart because he wants to go and "look". I end up with some sort of no I am not buying that for you today discussion with my son, because his dad said he should ask me. Not very nice for my little boy who thought that he would get a toy. Here is where this phenomenon gets interesting. This does not pass on to other stores. Since my ex only goes to walmart and lowe's, I can take my son to kmart and avoid the battles altogether. So, we now just go to kmart. It is as if my son does not realize that he could ask at other stores. I know that he wants "stuff" from kmart because he will point out toys that are "neat" or stuff he just wants. But he does not beg for them. I tell him we are just looking and that's what he does.Anyway, we ended up at walmart because none of the other stores had the present they (my mom and my son) were looking for and we ended up looking in the toys section while mom paid. We did make it out without any purchases. After all, it is almost christmas. Oh, but the "I can't wait" was fun. It was too long and too many days according to my son. I can still remember the agony of waiting those last few days.After mom was done paying he wanted to take my mom to see the games that he wanted for the nintendo ds. He was trying really hard to figure the best way to get them all. I could buy this game, Grammy could buy this one, Auntie could get this one, Uncle could get this one, and maybe Papa (grandpa) could get this one. And could he get one from his cousins. We then explained that since his cousins belonged to Auntie and Uncle, they would not be buying him an expensive game, and since Auntie and Uncle are married, they will not be buying separate games. He can get one from their whole family. And Grammy had already bought him some presents. We then discovered that he thought Santa would bring the ds and not bring any games. We quickly told him that Santa does not bring a game system and nothing to play on it. Well, that made him feel much better. So Santa brings the ds and a game, mom will get a game and Papa will get him a game, or two since his will be coming from GameStop.My son asked me last night if I had his presents yet. I told him no I forgot I was supposed to get you anything. Did we talk about that, did you say you wanted presents. I thought you did not want any presents this year. He informed me that he knew better, he knew that I would have presents for him. I asked him how he knew that and the answer he gave me touched my heart.He said to me that he knew I would bring him presents because I always do what I say for him, and I don't let him down, and I don't give up on him. He knows he can trust me.All that from an eight year old. I really wished right then that I could give him a great big squeezy hug. Instead we finished talking and I finished shopping when we were done.All of this behavior and especially the conversations makes me feel as if I have an unbreakable bond with my son. I figure I must be doing something right. After nearly two years of limited visits, monitored phone calls, and constant hearing of negative name calling talk about me, my son still loves me and trusts me totally. I know that his father said more than once before he got custody that if he had custody it would be the opposite of when I had him. My son would like him and want to stay with him and not like me and not want to go with me. I look at our situation and see that no matter how much he wants it not to be true, my son still loves me and wants to come home. And home is with mom, not dad. Even after almost two years, I am still Home. I am the rock and the safety. Most importantly, I am the love. I know that some folks may not approve of how I raised my son, and that is part of why I lost him, but how many of those that spoke ill of me could have said the same were they in this situation? How many people in general can say that they know their children have complete faith and trust in them? Even though I have not fixed this problem, my son knows that eventually I will. He still has a faith that mom will make it all right. Because he is my son, and my heart, I will make it all right. That is part of the unbreakable bond between a mom and her child.I would like to add a small disclaimer. I do know families that can say their children trust them completely. I know several that cannot, but I do know of tight strong families. My sister is one of them. I also have the feeling based on the posts from the pound, and their blogs, moms there could also say it. (Right Jmo, even when your child grows up and leaves home, they know where the heart is!)

Flashback Friday

I am going to follow the "theme" that Jill over at Scarymomy started with her Flashback Friday. You know those uncomfortable questions that you are not quite sure what to say or how sarcastic you should be in your response. Go check out her post! After reading mine first of course!!!

( I would like to add that now that my atty is making progess in this case, I am not feeling quite as bad as I was. I am feeling much more confident and certain that my son will come home, and things will work out the way they are meant to be-my son home.)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How do you do it?
How do you do it?I just don't know how you do it.How do you do this?How do you make that trip so often?How, how, how.I hear that an awful lot. I always have the same answer. I do this because I have to. I really do not have any choice. Sure I could not go. But is that really an option? This is my son here. I will do whatever needs be done to see him, and try to bring him home. If that means getting another job, ok. If that means no time or money for any extras and eating beans for dinner every nite, then that is what I would do. Thankfully for me (and my co-workers) I have not been reduced to beans every night.Often folks tell me that they could not do this. I am so strong for being able to stand this. They don't know how I get through this. How do I get up and function every day? The truth is I don't. What choice do I have though? I have trouble sleeping, I have nightmares when I do get to sleep. I find that I am irritable. I have been told a couple of times by the gals that I work with that I am being crabby. ( I am just glad that I work with people who are not afraid to tell me I am being grouchy. Then I can try to adjust my attitude and not take things out on them.) I am often short tempered with my family. I do not attend any family functions because it hurts too much. I used to go to my sister's house with my mom and we would have dinner all of us girls. My sister's husband works on second and she has two little girls. I used to want to take my mom or my sister and her girls with me when I went shopping. Now I only take someone when I am going to one of the grocery stores that are about 40 minutes away. That way the cost of gas is offset by the savings that all of us receive. I have tried to go on a couple of family outings, but I do not have as much fun as I used to. I try to avoid family get-togethers. I feel like something is missing. And it is. My heart and soul are missing. My son is missing.I have talked briefly to one of the pastors at the church that my sister belongs to and I rent a house from. They are willing to listen, but do not feel that they are qualified to help me in any way. This is beyond what they are trained to deal with. I cannot go to "traditional" therapy because that would be like waving a red flag in the air that I am "not mentally stable" to my ex and his attorney. Now mind you I would be getting therapy for the stress this is causing me and how to help my son deal with his stress and unhappiness.I cannot talk to support groups because there are none. I do not fit traditional support groups because my child did not die and he is not missing. He is lost, but not in the sense of the support group. You cannot find support groups for this because of the "symptoms" of the diagnosis of MSBP. According to the "symptoms" if I talk about this I am seeking attention and must have this MSBP. If I do not seek help, then I must have it because I won't talk about it. So I have decided that there is no point in keeping quiet.That is where this blog comes in. I get to vent out all of my feelings and start getting the awareness out there. This can happen to any mom out there. I get to use this blog to type out whatever I am feeling at the time. If I am frustrated and want to repeat myself 10 times over something that my ex said or did to my son or to me, then I can. No one tells me they are tired of hearing it, there's nothing we can do, or try to change the subject. If I put it on here, You can just skip over it. :) And that is okay. I know that there are not lots of people out there reading this and that is okay. It makes me feel better just putting it out there. In this very unhappy time of my life, I can at least get some satisfaction through this blog.

What I did not do this weekend:



I did not get sunburned-oh woohoo, you have no idea how happy that makes me!

I did not stay at a hotel-saved me some money

I did not miss any days with my son

I did not buy water balloons-my son has asked for these for weeks now

I did not bring very much money home



What I DID do this weekend



I did HAVE A BLAST WITH MY SON!!!!!

I did go down the water slide

I did buy a water gun- to have a water fight cuz we already had one water gun

I did stay at the campgrounds

I did cook on the campfire

I did have an extra day with my son

I did play all day

I did wear a hat to keep my face out of the sun

I did play games with my son - bakugan and pokemon and nintendo(gameboy and ds)

I did watch a movie

I did walk with my son

I did take several pictures

I did spend every available minute as close as possible to my boy. We sat next to each other for nearly the whole time.



This was a pretty costly weekend. I had three days with my son. I went down on Friday afternoon. I left work a little early. Thank goodness I got gas the day before because gas rocketed up on Friday. It cost me about $15 more to fill up the night before than it has for several trips. I stopped to get gas again later and prepayed to $50. I did not quite get a full tank and I was not even out! Then we had to check into the campground on Friday night. That cost an extra $10 because my mom went. I do not need to check in on the Friday night. I can sleep anywhere. My mom however has to plug in for her sleep apnea machine, so from now on when she goes I guess I will be paying for an extra night. We got to the campgrounds only to find that someone was parking their vehicles in our spot. They got up the next morning and left in one of their cars so we took that opportunity to start unloading since they vacated our campsite. Then they come back and the guy tells us that it is his campsite. I sort-of-in-a-nice-way argued with him that I have been staying on this campsite for nearly a year now for every other weekend and am pretty sure I know which one is which. He tries to tell me that he was told he was in the wrong spot and he was supposed to be where we were setting up, but that since we are all unloaded and he was already unloaded the day before it was all okay and he did not worry about so neither should we. There was plenty of room for all of us. No shit!? Well, good thing since I had that site reserved for over a month. I spend a lot of time there, I know where all the sites are. But, whatever! I did not plan on moving my stuff anyway. So we just smile and say that's all right. We'll be fine. We go get cleaned up to go get my son. No problems with that. I take S straight back to the campgrounds. We finish setting up the site, S rides his bike a bit, we play a couple of games on the nintendo's. Then he wants to ride his bike more, but with me following to go all the way down to the ball field. Now going to the ball field is easy. It's all downhill. Coming back would then all be uphill, ya know? So S cannot ride up a hill yet. It is too hard he says. So I have to push the bike. Then he tells me it is too hard to walk up the hill, he cannot go any further. (Drama anyone?) I am trying to be nice to him, and let him sit on the bike while I am pushing as long as he helps. HOWEVER, I will not do it again. If he rides his bike somewhere it is his responsibility. He can bring it back. If it is too hard to ride up hill and too hard to push uphill, then leave it at the site. S begins to tell me I am mean and his dad is right about all the stuff he says about me and that I am mean (notice he is repeating himself?), and this is all just not nice of me. Except I am still pushing the bike. I did make him get off of it because it was too heavy with the bike and him going uphill for this fat-out-of-shape mom. (I discovered this past weekend that I definitely need to start working out or something!) We kind of get into an argument about him even saying that, it is not acceptable, and if he feels that way and does not really want to come home, why does he tell me he wants to come home. He does not really answer me just says now he wants to go play mini golf. I told him no, we were not playing anything if he thought it was appropriate to talk to me like that. He pouted for a minute and said he was sorry. I informed him I was not pushing his bike back and we were not driving across the park since we could cut across the tennis courts and grass to get there faster than driving all the way around the park. He insisted he would push his bike back. So off the three of us go to play golf, with S riding his bike. We get down there and pay our fee and pick which color of ball we want. This goes really well with all of us with the same score for about three holes. Then S starts making some really really good shots, he got a hole in one, he got several in two shots. Yeah, then there was me, and there was my mom. We never got a hole in one and the first couple that we managed to get in two must have been a fluke. I think we both had scores of over 50 when we were done, to S's 38. I think, it might have been 35 because I think he miscounted a few times to go against his favor. He was just really bouncy and silly when he discovered he was beating the pants off us. We wander up to the office so I can pay for the campsite. It was a lot cooler in the office so S and mom come in with me. S wants to play air hockey and pool. I play a game of air hockey with him, and mom plays a game of pool with him. The games only cost 50 cents each so this part is no big spendy part of the weekend. Time to go back to the site. I tell S lets cut across the field because it will be faster. He cannot ride his bike up the road anyway, he will have to push it because it is a hill. Let's take the short cut. I offer to help him push a bit since pushing through the grass is much harder than the road. I tell him when we get to the gravel, he can take over pushing. He tells me how tired he is and that he cannot possibly push the bike. So leave it here. I told you I was not pushing it all over the place for you. He starts getting mouthy and hateful again. I smack his arm and tell him to watch his mouth and he hits me back. I grab his arm and he starts howling and crying about how I am hurting him, that is his hurt arm. Of which I know nothing about. I ask mom to take the bike, we are going to find a little privacy in the bathroom which was fortuitously right there. I drag him into the bathroom and tell him he needs to talk to me and explain what the hell is going on, why is acting this way, saying these things and being hateful to me in general. He starts sobbing on how tired he is, his dad kept him out late last night, kept him up late when they got back, and how come I did not come to his game the night before. AAHHHH, now we are getting somewhere. I explain that I was driving and I cannot go to the games when they are not on my days unless I take off work, and I am saving my days for court and when he comes home. He stops crying so hard, and we talk for a minute or so about does he still want to come home. He says he does. I ask why he says things like that about me being mean. I tell him if he is telling everyone that I am mean that the judge will not let him come home. He apparently only tells me I am mean. His dad tells him I am mean and he tells his dad that I am not mean. He only says that to me. Because he was mad and tired. We hug and put a cool wet paper towel on his arm which he holds in place like a badge of honor, he's so tough because he was able to stop crying and his arm was all better. It did not even hurt now. We spend some down time watching a movie and playing video games. I get him to lay down for a bit. He did not actually nap, but he did rest. After which he was a new boy. He was quite cheerful again, and did not say anymore mean things.



After taking him back to his dad's house, my mom and I discussed how much bad behavior my son is learning down here. He is learning how to lie, to cheat and to be manipulative. When I confront S on his behavior that is like what he displayed for a couple of hours on Saturday, I basically get told that is how he behaves down there. Everyone behaves like that. The kids at school, his dad, everyone. I wonder how this is going to go when he gets to come home. It will be a whole new world to him to be around people that won't tolerate that kind of behavior out of anyone.



I did not say this in front of my mom, and I am not sure that I would want to, but I have also noticed that this piss-poor attitude and behavior is almost always worse when she comes down. I don't know if it is coincidence or what. He does want to see my mom, but he always has a bad day on Saturday when she comes. The Sunday visit usually is just fine, it's just the Saturday. We (S and I) have many visits where he may have a bit of attitude, but no other displays of hatefulness. Just sometimes he is down-right mean when it is just the two of us. Of course since we had three days this time, once we got past the Saturday readjusting, Sunday and Monday were just fine.



On Sunday and Monday, we had good days. We played and goofed off. S had some money to spend, so he wanted to go to walwart on Monday morning after I picked him up. He bought a couple of toys, and I bought cheese, the water gun and donuts for my mom. We had a water fight on Sunday and Monday. We went on the water slide on Monday. We just really enjoyed ourselves. We spend a lot of time just being together which is the best part. When it is time to pack up, S really likes to help take the gazebo down. It is much easier than the one from last year and he is able to help with all of it. I think it makes him feel useful and helpful. He likes to feel like a big boy. Which he is, just was hard to do anything with the last gazebo. Plus it keeps him busy until it is time to go. Neither of us wants to dwell on the fact that the end of the visit is nearing. We get everything loaded and S climbs in the van and off we go to his dad's. The end is here.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for a speedy court date and a satisfactory ending. I am ready for all of this to be over.

Just about me.

I can't wait for this weekend. I am really excited to go see my son this weekend. I get to see him for three days! I get to have for the holiday on Monday! YIPPEEEEEE! I always love to have extra days, especially this year as we have so many weekends that are getting cut short. I am pretty sure that I will get sunburned this weekend again! I have camped out two weekend visits in a row, and have been sunburned two visits in a row. I did get a hat from my dad, so hopefully that will keep my face from being burned again. I will also make sure to wear my sunblock.
I like it when we have extra days as well for the "vacation" feel of it. My mom is also going this weekend. When we drive down after work on Friday, it is usually around 2 or 3 in the morning when we stop. I have to get up and finish the drive which is about one hour and be there by nine am. So I try to get up around 7 or quarter after to make sure I can leave the "stopping spot" by 8. We get up and clean up in the bathroom, get some breakfast, get gas and just stretch our legs seeing as we've been in the car for about 12-15 hours or more at that point. We do get a bit of sleep though. Well, I get more when my mom does not go because she snores like a chainsaw when she does not have her sleep apnea machine on. This weekend will be the first time she has gone down with the sleep apnea machine while we are camping, and we are both curious how this will all work. I say it has to be an improvement, as I am the one that has to listen to her snore all night! Normally when we only have the two days, Saturday night is an early one as we are so tired. We drop my son "S" off and go back, take showers, sometimes eat then go to bed. It is pretty much the same on the long weekends too! But, ooohhhh, Sunday is such a nice day. We have no sadness as the day is the last, we have no moodiness as I have to go and leave him yet again. No, we don't have that stress on the Sunday visit because the visit is not over yet! There is one more day! Sunday we just get to play all day. No unpacking and setting up camp like on Saturday, no packing up like a regular Sunday visit. Just a whole day to play. Well, eight hours. But that is better than a poke in the eye! Monday will be stressful when the time comes to pack up, but what a blast those extra hours are. Then on Sunday evening we can sit around the campfire. We will probably have one while S is there as I am planning on having S'mores this weekend. He has been wanting to make them for the last two visits, but I did not get the "stuff" yet. I will pick the goodies up this week at cvs. We will also have hot dogs cooked over the fire. My mom is going to bring her dutch oven and we will make peach cobbler in the fire as well. And, I think this is the weekend that the ice cream man starts coming around! He drives an old fashioned ice cream truck and sells the ice cream treats every weekend in the summer. This is also the weekend that the pool and water slide open, along with the putt-putt. The game room is open the whole time the park is open. Mostly we swim or just play outside. Eat some ice cream, have a fire, ride bikes, play ball. I love my visits. I can't wait for this weekend.

Happy Mother's Day

Now I do realize that yesterday was Mother's Day, but as I was visiting my son, I was not able to get to any computers. No offense to any of you, but I would much rather spend the day with my son! And what a day it was! We had a blast.

I went down for my visit and on Saturday my son had a ball game. I watched him play and then we went to the campgrounds. Just about the time we pulled into the park it started raining. Since it is quite a-ways back into the park to the campgrounds, I was hoping it was not raining there. It was not raining as we checked in for our site, but my son wanted to play a game of pool. We played a game pretty quickly, and by the time we were done it was raining. No surprise. I hoped it would stop quickly, but the van is plenty big enough to crawl into the back and play. We opened the windows to let the breeze come through and played Pokemon, bakugan, and watched a bit of a movie. Then I realized it was no longer raining. I have no idea how long it had not been raining, but we got out to play my son's version of laser tag and set up the gazebo. My son's version of laser tag is basically what we used to call cops and robbers and the previous generation called cowboys and indians. It is so interesting how the names of games change but the actual game stays the same? I made him change his clothes to get out of his ball uniform. He put on some clothes that I bring for him. A good thing too! My son wanted to ride his bike and me walk with him. And he found the only mud puddle in the whole park! So he played in it. He had tons of fun and got totally soaked! After a while I made him go back up to the camp site as it looked like another storm was rolling in. We then played in the water more by dumping water on each other. It was really too cold for that, though. I told him I was cold and done playing in the water and I was going to change my clothes. He was not done. He was not cold, he was going to keep playing in the water. I told him that he could wash the dishes that we had if he wanted to keep playing in the water. So he did, and served me food with bubbles (which he called the good tasting chemicals!) So I had a chemical lunch! Before we knew it our time was almost up, and I had planned on taking him to McDonalds for dinner. We packed up and drove to the restaurant and got our happy meals. They did not have the KidzBop cd that my son wanted, but he got two more, one from each happy meal and the staff was kind enough to let us have two different ones. Then it was time to take him back. That is one crappy time of day. At least when it is Saturday, I know that we have another day.
Then here comes Sunday morning. Yea! Time for the next visit. I go and get him and we drive in to get gas and ice for the cooler. He tells me he is still hungry even though he already ate breakfast, can he have eggs. My son love hard boiled eggs, but only the egg white. So we boil some eggs, I make scrambled eggs and toast for me, adding a hot dog. My son ate a hot dog and jelly beans while waiting for the eggs. Then he is not hungry anymore when the eggs are done. That is fine, I can stick them in the cooler. He changes into some play clothes that I have for him while I put away the dishes and food. Then off to the ball field to practice some ball. We go back cuz we are tired. I was so happy that my knee is feeling better because I was actually able to run the bases some and chase him to try to get him out! Back up to the camp site to get drinks and play laser tag again. Now it was time to get out the bike and race back down to the mud puddle. I took my camera with me this time so that I could get a few pictures of our visit and the mud puddle adventure. After a pit stop in the bathrooms, we play at the playground. I take several pictures again because my little man tells me he wants more pictures of the day because he wants to make a cd and call it the best times of his childhood, his days with his mom! I wanted to cry, but I managed to hold my tears. He said that he was not happy down there but he sure had fun on our weekends together. They were the best times ever since he was down there. So we talk a bit while swinging of what he wants to put on his cd, how he wants to title them and store them on the disc. Then we take a few more pictures and then go sit under a tree to look at them. He was really pleased with his idea. I think it was the best Mother's day present EVER! To hear that my son cherishes our time together just as much as me....That is the best. After looking at the pictures and talking a bit more on his disc ideas, we go play a little more. Finally I tell him he is going to have to push my up the hill on his bike if we don't go pretty soon, I will be too tired to walk. We go, except I end up pushing him and his bike up the hill! He was too tired! It is a pretty steep hill though. We played some more, laid around and watched more t.v., played more Pokemon, and ate lunch until it was time to pack up. My son and I both hate that part of the visit. Sunday afternoon when it is time to pack up and go. He does however like to help take the gazebo down, he pretty much took the whole thing down by himself! We load everything into the van, make one last potty break, and start the awful drive. I try hard not to, but invariably I get crabby, and he gets whiny. We try not to, but it happens, then we say we are sorry and try to hold in the tears. I don't linger while dropping him off, because the longer I linger saying bye, the harder it is on both of us. As I back out of the driveway, he stands on the porch and we wave at each other, I flash the headlights and honk the horn. We do this until we can no longer see each other.
When I call him later Sunday evening, and I ask how he is, he tells me he is being strong. That is what we tell each other to do until we make it through this. Be strong. We talk for a bit, but his dog starts coughing, and he wants to get off the phone to keep an eye on her. Then she hacks up whatever she was choking on and he changed his mind and wants to stay on the phone. We talk for a bit until our time is up. We say our bye's and hang up. I finish my drive home.
The only other exciting thing is that I stop to get a couple of papers in Indy. I stop at a couple of truck stops and get the paper. While I was there this time, I took the coupon inserts out of the papers that were still in the machine. I am not sure if this is something that I should do or not, but it is usually after one a.m. when I stop and I figure if anyone wanted the Sunday paper, they would have gotten it on Sunday, not go looking for it on Monday morning. I was just pleased to get a couple of extra coupons! Especially since the ones in my area are so crappy. Now to wait for the sales so I can use my q's.

What a Weekend

I had a really good visit with my son this weekend. We had a lot of fun together. He was also especially funny this weekend. He had a lot of jokes and also had a lot of amusing comments about our situation. He is totally looking forward to coming home. (Me too!) We played some board games, card games, and made up games. We watched a bit of tv. We played Deal or No Deal on our dvd player. He had lots of fun telling me which case to pick, then letting me pick my first six. Then he would say that I took the deal the first time around which of course meant that I won little bitty amounts of money (compared to the million that you try for). I obviously lost each game, and usually had some of the big amounts in my case that I lost out on. He just thought he was funny cuz he would play two rounds and take the deal. That means he always beat me. Usually by a lot. The turd. It was sure fun! Then when it was time to check out, I was unpleasantly surprised by how cold it was outside. We had planned on going to the park to play a bit of basketball, except it was super cold and windy. No playing outside for us. So we drove to the park and parked by the pond to watch the ducks. It was fun laying around in the back under a sleeping bag just cuddling together. I got to sit and rub his head like I used to do when he was little and trying to go to sleep, and he got to eat jelly beans and cuddle with mom. Then I told him I needed to get gas in the van, did he want to go now or we could wait and I would get gas after dropping him off. He said to get gas now. It would be just like when he was home and we would go get gas together in the mornings or on our way home from work/school. So we got gas and he stayed in the van and peeked out the window at me while I froze my butt off in the wind. Then we played more deal or no deal and of course he picked for me and I lost.

The only downside to the weekend was my total lack of sleep. I only got a few hours on Friday night from driving down there. Then I usually get a pretty good nights sleep on Saturday. This time however, I (and the whole floor of the hotel) got to be serenaded to by the lovely sounds of an angry cussing drunk. He followed a group there that plays music at a local bar a couple weekends a month. He followed them up to their room and started banging on the door, while cussing out his girlfriend. They (the band/group) let him in. Then he got even more beligerent so they made him leave the room. This drunk man proceeds to stand in the hallway and yell and cuss everyone to hell. He is so drunk however that standing alone seems to be a problem. So where does he decide to lean? At my door. Then he starts banging his head against the wall right next to my door. I was so mad I actually started looking for something to take out there and hit him with it. I had only been asleep for maybe 3 1/2 hours. Fortunately for everyone involved I had no "dangerous" objects with which I would be able to knock him out with. Then there is a huge crash. I go and look out the peephole. The chair the drunk had with him is now sideways on the floor, and what do you know? The drunk is on the floor too. Finally the cops arrive. The group/bands' room folks come out to tell the cops what had happened. They apparently did not know the drunk, just recognized him from the bar. They let him in hoping it would quiet him down so as not to wake the whole floor. The guys said at that point he became incoherent and started yelling more at his girlfriend so they told him he had to leave. He got out the door but would not go any further than that. The hotel staff asked him to leave and he was rude to her so she called the cops. At this point the drunk is passed out. The cops try to get him to stand and tell them who he is and he will not cooperate. The drunk yells at the cops, his girlfriend (who is no longer around) and anyone who will listen. Then pleads with the cops to not hurt him. Then yells and cusses them out some more. Then pleads please don't hurt me. Then cusses them out again. Finally the cops tell him all he has to do is comply and he won't get hurt. All they want him to do is stand up. I think that he was unable to stand because I eventually heard a crash against the wall then the sound of handcuffs. They drag him over to the elevator and two of them take him outside while the third cop collects the mans shoe that fell off and his wallet and asks a few more questions. I had a birds eye view of them once they got outside as they cop cars were directly beneath my windows. The cops had to sort of push the drunk into the car. I think he was so out of it he did not even know where he was at that point. He just laid there on the seat and they had to push and tuck his legs in because he was not helping them at all. After all of this, I could not get back to sleep. I was up until after five a.m. trying to wind down. I did sort of fall into that twilight sort of sleep. I was not fully asleep but did rest more at least. Then it was up to get my son. Then when I got home last night it was almost 2 am before I got to go to bed. Then at 5:02 am, the friendly neighborhood crows sat outside my windows to sing to me and my kitties.
I can't wait to go to bed tonight. (here is me nodding off at my computer........)