The Family Visit

Wow, was this ever an interesting trip.

My son plays basketball, not because he wants to, but because his dad told him he had to. Isn't that nice? And of course these games are always and only on Saturday. Right smack dab in the middle of our visit. I was at first told that I had to take my son to the games. I have since found out that I did not have to. Last year when he played the game was at nine, so his father and I agreed that he would play the game and I would obviously come and watch, and then my visit would start at 10 am instead of nine am. Well this year his games are at 11 am. His father wanted me to come and get my son, then spend 30 minutes driving to a school somewhere, watch my son play, drive 30 minutes back to the hotel and only get to keep my son for one extra hour. I said no go, I am not losing two hours of time for a ball game neither of us cares if he goes to, we want to spend our time together. So I came up with the idea that I would watch the game and the visit would start after the game just like last year. At first he humhawed around and did not seem like he would agree because he did not want my son out that late (as if he never has him out late). Finally he did agree which was good or else he would not be going. This seemed to work well for the most part.

Then came our family weekend visit. We have been planning this visit since October. I did not even receive a schedule for the games until November. I noticed recently that the Saturday of our family visit was a double header game day. I asked my son one evening last week to find out if the games were back to back or different times of day and different schools. Instead of asking and telling me later, he puts his dad on the phone. All I ask is if he knows if the games are back to back or not. He is supposedly the assistant coach but tells me he has no idea. I tell him if the games are back to back, we can attend both games, if not he will not be at the second one. My word, you would have thought I told this man that I was going to cut off my son's arm so he can never play ball again. He yelled, ranted, raved, and talked like a demented four year old for 30 minutes, refusing to let me talk to my son, calling me crazy, saying I was mean to my son for missing a game, that my son would think bad things about me for interferring and making him miss a game, said all kinds of very unkind things. Of course, I told him he sounded stupid, he was mean for not letting me talk to my son, and that my son would think bad things about him for yelling at me not for me not taking him to a game. He railed that I had to tell him what we were doing, how I was going to have to explain to the judge why I was missing a game, and how I would have to explain all the things I do on our visits. I told him I did not have to explain anything to him, and if he wanted to get an explanation he would have to wait until we went to court. If he thought that I was doing something wrong then he should not worry about it and let me answer to the court. Then he starts in on how it hurts his feelings (notice it is all about him and not my son) and makes him mad. I make him mad that is why he is talking this way to me and being mean to me. I inform him that I have no control whatsoever on his emotions. He is an adult and controls his emotions all on his own. Of course it is all my fault that he is mad, all my fault that he is yelling at me, and my fault that he has to treat me this way. I tell him again he is a grown up and needs to control his own emotions, I have no contrl over them. He then starts asking me every couple of minutes, are you mad? are you mad? I say no, I just want to talk to my son. Stop interuppting and let me talk to my son. Finally he starts in on this occasion over the summer where he told me that my son had a trophy ceremony and pizza party to go to at three pm and that they were to meet at the ball field for a game at five pm. Now this is a minor legue game they are going to which means no way will I get to have the whole time of my visit. So I check with my son and tell him that he can either stay all day with me and spend our time together or he can go to the pizza party then to the game, but there will not be any time for us to be together then. We both decide that we are spending the time we have together, and not going to the pizza party. I have never heard the end of this. Every time his dad yells at me he brings this up. I have told him in the past to find something new, but this is the one he uses. It pretty much is the only thing he has. Welllllll, this time he adds to it substantially. Suddenly the story changes from I "made my son mad and he was upset that I did not take him" to this new tale that my son "was crying as soon as he got out of the car and came straight inside and was sobbing and wanted to know if he got a trophy". He continued to talk and I asked him if he was done talking and he said no. I called him a liar and he paused. The pause was not immediately significant, but did become important in a few minutes. He started talking again and I said again you lied you said as soon as you said your thing again you would let me talk to my son. Finally he stops talking and puts my son back on the phone. I know immediately that my son has heard everything. He won't really talk which also means his dad is standing right there to hear what my son says. He finally starts whispering which of course I cannot hear. Then says dad lied I did not cry. I was not crying over the trophy. (This explains the pause as his dad thought I was calling him a liar over the story, not that he was still preventing me from my phone call.) I told my son I know that, your dad lies to me all the time. I do not ever believe him because every time he yells at me he is lying about something. In retrospect I probably should not have said the second sentence, but I was really frustrated that my son heard all of the name calling. Of course he would not have heard anything I said being as I was on the other end of the phone, but he heard all the awful things his dad said. I know that upsets him and he tells me that it makes him mad and hurts his feelings that his dad talks to me that way. If he tells his dad that though he gets into trouble for sticking up for me. We get to say our goodbyes and I tell him that I would call the next night.
The next couple of days are mostly uneventful, but again on Friday "that man" (to use SunEday's phrase) answers when I call. He is demanding again that I take my son to the game. I tell him we will go to the first one and meet there just like the past visits but we are not going to the second one. He starts to argue again. I tell him it is not up for discussion and to put my son on the phone, I am not talking to him anymore. Suprisingly, he does not stay on the phone but a couple of minutes before I get to talk to my son. Then my son wants to talk to my sister and her daughter as well. The conversation went well after that.
We go to the school to watch the game the next morning, and I bet you can guess what is said! Yes, I get told yet again when the game is, and he is telling me that we have to be there one hour early. But of course I get one hour for the game only. I say we aren't going. He says well I doubt that I see you there, but the game is at this time at this school. What he doesn't know is that I already talked to the coach. I told her that my family came down to visit and that my son would not be at the other game. She had absolutly no problem with it. And then asked if my son was playing in the first game because he was not in uniform. Apparently the kids are supposed to be in uniform when they get there or in their warm up suits and he was not wearing either. She wanted to know if I knew why. I said no, I have no control over that part. She said no problem, and no problem for the afternoon game either.
And much to everyone's pleasure the rest of the visit went as smooth as can be expected. More on that in the next post. Not to mention the actual van ride, which was very, very cold.