Growing Pains

My son is having growing pains. And they are mine. He is growing up, not right before my eyes, but far away. I have missed so many things in the past three years. March 4th, 2007 was the last day I held my son in my arms at home. March 16th, 2007 was when I found out he was not coming home. Without finding out why. All I got in the fax was the order of the change of custody. No reasons listed, just changed. I died inside some that day. Each day was a struggle to get through. I spent many hours crying. As time has marched on, the pain has lessened somewhat. The acceptance of my situation has arrived. Do I like it? Hell, no. Do I accept it? Yes. As time has marched on, I have learned to live with what I am allowed. The daily phone calls, the weekend visits. Each day is a little easier. Not nicer, just easier.

Until recently. Now that we have filed our petition, had a preliminary hearing, and now the deposition is done, the real battle begins. I don't mean the upcoming court date. That I can deal with. I know how to do that. My ex being his typical abnoxious self? That I can deal with because, again, I know how.

So what, you ask, is bothering me? I haven't had a conversation with my son for about three weeks on the phone. I call every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I NEVER miss a phone call or a visit. He doesn't want me too. He just doesn't want to talk to me on the phone anymore. In the past three weeks, I have had only one conversation that lasted more than about 3 1/2 minutes. He is busy having dinner. He is busy watching a movie. He is busy playing -outside, with the dog, with the cats, with his cousin. He doesn't ever tell me he is playing with friends. I am not sure he ever has been to a friends house, or had a friend over to play. He is busy playing pokemon, the pokemon freak the lover of all things pokemon. They (he and his dad) are out to eat, at the movies, shopping, etc.

I get it. He is now nine. He is growing up and does not want to talk to me on the phone every day. He is busy with a little life of his own. I just wish I were more a part of it. I want to be the parent that he talks to as the dinner table over a family meal. Talk about the silly things that happened at school, what so-and-so said on the bus. Baby xyz at the after school care did this. I want to hear all those things. Instead I get static on the phone, and a "can I talk to you tomorrow?" to fill my ears.

I never thought that I would be missing so much out of my son's life. I know I should be grateful that I get the phone calls and the every other weekend visit. And I am. It's just not enough. I am greedy. I want more. I want it all. I want to be with him every morning for breakfast, to tease him about the upcoming school day. To hear about the funny things he did or said at school and laugh with him. Hear about his triumphs and failures each day.

I know that all kids grow up and they start to distance themselves from their parents. That's how it should be. I just didn't think that I would be on the other end of a phone when it happened.

I'm having growing pains.