Growing Pains

My son is having growing pains. And they are mine. He is growing up, not right before my eyes, but far away. I have missed so many things in the past three years. March 4th, 2007 was the last day I held my son in my arms at home. March 16th, 2007 was when I found out he was not coming home. Without finding out why. All I got in the fax was the order of the change of custody. No reasons listed, just changed. I died inside some that day. Each day was a struggle to get through. I spent many hours crying. As time has marched on, the pain has lessened somewhat. The acceptance of my situation has arrived. Do I like it? Hell, no. Do I accept it? Yes. As time has marched on, I have learned to live with what I am allowed. The daily phone calls, the weekend visits. Each day is a little easier. Not nicer, just easier.

Until recently. Now that we have filed our petition, had a preliminary hearing, and now the deposition is done, the real battle begins. I don't mean the upcoming court date. That I can deal with. I know how to do that. My ex being his typical abnoxious self? That I can deal with because, again, I know how.

So what, you ask, is bothering me? I haven't had a conversation with my son for about three weeks on the phone. I call every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I NEVER miss a phone call or a visit. He doesn't want me too. He just doesn't want to talk to me on the phone anymore. In the past three weeks, I have had only one conversation that lasted more than about 3 1/2 minutes. He is busy having dinner. He is busy watching a movie. He is busy playing -outside, with the dog, with the cats, with his cousin. He doesn't ever tell me he is playing with friends. I am not sure he ever has been to a friends house, or had a friend over to play. He is busy playing pokemon, the pokemon freak the lover of all things pokemon. They (he and his dad) are out to eat, at the movies, shopping, etc.

I get it. He is now nine. He is growing up and does not want to talk to me on the phone every day. He is busy with a little life of his own. I just wish I were more a part of it. I want to be the parent that he talks to as the dinner table over a family meal. Talk about the silly things that happened at school, what so-and-so said on the bus. Baby xyz at the after school care did this. I want to hear all those things. Instead I get static on the phone, and a "can I talk to you tomorrow?" to fill my ears.

I never thought that I would be missing so much out of my son's life. I know I should be grateful that I get the phone calls and the every other weekend visit. And I am. It's just not enough. I am greedy. I want more. I want it all. I want to be with him every morning for breakfast, to tease him about the upcoming school day. To hear about the funny things he did or said at school and laugh with him. Hear about his triumphs and failures each day.

I know that all kids grow up and they start to distance themselves from their parents. That's how it should be. I just didn't think that I would be on the other end of a phone when it happened.

I'm having growing pains.

Be Responsible? Or Not?

Here is the official update on the letting my boss know I was leaving. Technically, I told my Director and Assistant Director about three weeks ago. I asked them not to tell anyone yet. I was just letting them know that at some unspecified date in the future I would be moving. I needed to talk to my attorney to find out if it should be before or after the hearing for custody for my son. I just wanted to tell them so that they could keep their mind and eyes open for a good replacement.

I talked to my attorney on Friday after my deposition. He told me what a "fabulous" idea it was to move down there and to move as soon as possible. That gave me the thumbs up I was looking for. So now I have set plans in motion for moving.

When I got to work on Monday, I told my boss that I did not have an official date, but that he needed to talk to his boss to let him know that I was leaving. It is up in the air as to whether my job will remain in the office that I am currently in, or if it will be moved into another office. If it is left in my office, then I will give at least four weeks notice for them to hire someone so I can train the person. If it is moved to the other office, they get two weeks. The big boss man does not know that part. And I have no intention of telling him. The office that they will want to move the job into is with the bitch from hell who has made my job miserable. She is hard  impossible to work with, because she is always right, you are always wrong, and it is always your fault. I usually ignore her because she is the only one in the entire workplace that has a problem with me. I get along with just about everyone else. Just not her. But she is the bitch from hell and doesn't get along with anyone. I also ignore her because, as I told my boss, in the scheme of life, she doesn't matter enough to me to get to me. I really don't care what she says or thinks.

That being said, if I can leave this job to her, and leave them unprepared for how intense my job is, how detail oriented, how hard it actually is, I absolutely will. Revenge is sweet. I will give a cursory training to her and - get this- her son (cause he apparently is not capable of getting a job working for anyone but mommy) and give them my binder with all my notes. That is all. They can figure it out all by themselves.

So, the director and assistant director of my department catch the big boss man and go to his office to let him know that I am leaving. They let him know that I did not give an official date yet, but that it will be sooner rather than later. He needs to make a decision because he already took another employee out of our office to work in a different one, and my leaving will leave this office very short staffed. He said that he needed to talk to the woman that runs the other office (where my job could go) and then make a decision. That means the job will be going to the other office. She has been trying for two years to get my job in there and get me put back on probation ( I have worked for this company for 4 1/2 years now and almost 7 years total) so she could fire me. Fortunately, I have pals in places that would not allow that to happen. Now that I am leaving, the job will be open for her to take.

The big boss man said he would talk to her yesterday afternoon. As far as I know he has not. I am waiting anxiously to hear/see her reaction. She will not be pleased as we are in the middle of closing our fiscal year and trying to play catch up where she sat on the payables for two months. Isn't that nice? She sat on the accounts payable for two months saying she simply did not have time to get it all done, then piles all of them on me in a week and a half (funny how she could suddenly get them all done at once) and is being pissy with me that I am taking so long to get them done. I told her she would get them on my schedule as I had a lot of stuff to do and would follow my schedule to make sure I did not forget anything.

So the pissy side in me is hoping that they take this job and move it to her office and I can give my two weeks and not get all the payables caught up. Let her deal with them in her office. I probably wouldn't really do that, just because the responsible worker in me says I shouldn't, but it is really tempting.

So I guess what this long winded rambling post is about is that they know now that I am leaving, but things are still up in the air. It really has no effect on me one way or the other. I will do my thing regardless of what their decision is. I will do my job and get my work done. Hopefully, before I leave, because that is just how I roll.

The Results Are In

I had my deposition last Friday. According to my attorney, it went well. My ex was beligerent to my atty. He did not answer several questions. He answered questions that my atty asked with questions of his own, and had to be advised by his atty to stop asking the questions, he was not allowed to. When my atty would ask a series of questions, he would pick an answer and repeat  himself without ever answering the questions. He, of course, lied his way through the deposition. At one point, he even made complaints about how I dressed at a function that I took my son to. My atty kept asking him what was wrong with the way I dressed and did he always have a problem with it. His response was that I was dressed inappropriately for the occasion in question and that it was wrong because it was me. He complained about me waving good bye and honking the horn at my son when I leave him at his dad's, saying it was all just some crazy bizarre ritual and routine that I set up to harm my son. My atty asked him if waving good bye and honking horns are bad and he said that when I do it, yes. He kept saying that it was some crazy routine. My atty asked him if he had any routines and he said no. My atty then asked if they went to church, he said yes my son went to church but could only go with his grandma on the weekends he was home. My atty then asked about the prayers that my ex swore up and down that they do every night before bed. My atty pointed out that those are routines, is there something wrong with them? Apparently, according to my ex, only routines I have with my son are crazy. All the routines he has are A-Ok. The douche-bag. He looked like he had crawled out of bed right before he came in as well. His hair was a mess, his clothes were all wrinkled, and he kept yawning the whole time. I'm sorry? But isn't this an important mile-stone in our case? Isn't it important enough to take a shower and get cleaned up before coming in? Or at the very least, he could have brushed his hair. Too bad there was no one there except the two of us, the court reporter, and our lawyers.

Then it was my turn to answer questions. The atty who has been handling the case was ill and would not be handling the deposition. His assistant would be. He ended up leaving about 10 minutes into the questioning for me. Which was fine. He is very intimidating. She asked questions that involved S's health and my mental well-being. My atty stepped in and stated that she was beyond the scope of the pleadings and that her questions were out of line. We would be willing to answer if she wanted, however it was to go on record that he was advising her to alter her line of questions. She stated that she would continue right along the line she started as long as I would answer. It went quicker than I thought it would. It was not nearly as stressful with the gal doing the questioning instead of the the other intimidating atty.

Next thing I know, we are done. We head outside and then I can talk to my atty. He tells me a few times that he cannot believe she continued on the questions the way she did as it allows us to use all of the old material. The doctor records that the judge and other atty would not allow the first time, S's school records and medical records down there, my mental health evaluation (I am sane-the psychologist says so!), and all the other evidence brought into play by them the first time around. Now my atty can rip my ex to shreds. I can't wait for court now.

I do not have a court date yet. First step right now is to get a copy of the transcripts from the deposition. My atty will then go through the transcripts and file to get copies of whatever records he needs to have for the hearing. Then he will go through all those files to make his notes of what my ex testified to in the deposition and compare it to the records from all the facilites that we get records from. There will be many discrepancies of course. He really hanged himself this past Friday with all the lies that he told. Yay for me.

After the deposition was over, I knew it would be time to relax. What I didn't bank on was the crash. After several months of constant mid-level stress, and two days of high level stress, my body was ready to shut down. My mom and I got back to the hotel and finished unloading the car, I checked my email, we went to get a couple of salads at the restaurant in front of the hotel, and I went to bed to take a nap. I felt like I could hardly move. I went to see MM Friday night to let him know how it all went. I was so tired I could not sleep. I got S for the day on Saturday and still felt totally drained. Saturday after I dropped S off at his dad's, I dropped mom off at the hotel, and made my way back to MM's house.  I took a shower, had some dinner, and we chatted for a little bit. I was ready for bed pretty early. I fell asleep quite easily. However, (and you knew there was a however didn't you?) I was not able to stay asleep for very long. With the time change, I kept waking up from fear I would oversleep. I was not able to get it out of my brain that the alarm would wake me up. So from about 1:30 am on, I was mostly up. That made for a tired visit again on Sunday. S had been sick for the previous few days so he was not a bundle of energy which made it nice to just sit and nap rest with my eyes closed for a little bit. It was total misery driving home though. I was exhausted. And yet again I could not sleep last night. I think I am so tired that my brain won't shut off. I plan on going home and taking a nap today. I could really use one right no....zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh wait, where was I? Yes, yes. I plan on going to bed tonight at an earlier time than usual. Even after my nap when I get home.

And tomorrow night? I start packing in earnest.

So tell me, Interneters? How did you spend your weekend? Did you have some nice spring like weather? Did you have a good time resting from the long hard workweek? How are you doing?

This, That and The Other

I am starting a new blog. I will still keep this one going, but will use the other one for my more R rated posts. This one will follow along the same thread that it has been on.

I have an update on my situation with my son. I have a deposition tomorrow. It was set for February, but as with all things related to this deal, it got rescheduled to March. It is still on for tomorrow as of today. We will be driving down tonight so I can get a good night sleep. I need to be on my toes for this. They can ask pretty much anything they want to in a deposition. I am trying hard not to freak out about it, and for the most part I am succeeding. I will be breathing a huge sigh of relief once we are done tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I have been super busy at work. I am taking today to be a slug and not get much done. I have big stacks of work to get done, but it will all still be here when I get back, so I am going to take a few minutes for myself. I have been working non-stop for about two weeks now, and just need a slower day.

I have been packing and sorting at home. I knew I had a lot of shit, but did not realize just how much til I started packing it up. Yikes. Purge City is where I need to head. And Goodwill. They won't know what hit them when I get done.

Wow, this is starting to sound like a random Tuesday post. I should have taken the time on Tuesday to post all this so I could participate in Keely's RTT. Oh, well. There will always be next Tuesday. I'm sure after the deposition and a weekend with my mom and my son, I will have more random.

Hope Friday and the weekend treats you all well. I will probably not be logging on much or at all this weekend. Well, I might tomorrow after the deposition so I don't have to sit with my mom and me couped up in the hotel room all day and night. It will give me something to do. And I can let you all know how it went.

I Need a Sandwich

Well, the winter from Hell just keeps going. It's not snowing here. The sun is actually out. It's (to borrow a phrase from my bloggy friend Aunt Becky) AssCold. But the sun is out and that means warm sunshine on my ass when I have to go outside.

But now? Now it's snowing down where S is. Snowing like crazy. Maybe up to six inches. Blech. And pretty cold for down there. And of course it snows on my weekend to go see him. I'm pretty sure the the snow will be off the roads and such by Friday night and Saturday, but the ground will be snow covered again and that means no basketball or trips to the park. Just another weekend stuck in the hotel room.

The good news is that ball season is over(they stunk and lost all their games, so when end of season tournaments came around they were eliminated the first game). That means we just get to spend our time uninterrupted by traveling around for games.

In other news I will hopefully be able to spend some time with Mail Man tonight and tomorrow. It all depends on the work bullshit schedule. I have to get some stuff entered if I want to have tomorrow off. Except I don't have it yet. I can't enter what I don't have and I am getting a bit worried at this point that I won't get it in time to finish today. And if it's not finished, I can't be off tomorrow. I will work my fingers right off to get this crap done. I plan on working through my lunch if she gets this stuff to me (and starve for the rest of the day, cuz I do like to eat). I may even work over so I can be off tomorrow. I really want to go and see him.

That's pretty much all I have for today. Sort of seems like another Random Tuesday over here. Cuz we all know work is not what I want to be focusing on right now. I have important things to do this weekend and I am ready to get them started.

Wine, Pizza and a Hot Tub

I had a fabulous time this weekend. I did not post anything before hand because I did not want to tempt the fates, but I spent the weekend with Mail Man. He picked me up on Friday evening after work and we went to his house. He actually lives with a roommate, but the roommate was only there for Friday night after we got there (which was technically early Saturday morning around 5:30 am) and was already in bed, and early Saturday morning til about 10:30 or so. Then we had the rest of the weekend just us.

We spent a lot of time just talking. We talked about anything and everything. I was able to talk to him in depth about my situation with my son. It felt really nice to be able to share that burden. I know I can talk to my parents, but it is not the same as being able to share it with someone that is not related to the child in question. I know technically I did not do anything wrong in that whole deal, but it still felt good to hear someone confirm that and come to the same conclusion about the situation as my family and I did. We spent some time talking about his ex-wife and his children and some of the problems that he has with that situation(not the same as my situation, but bad in it's own way). I wish that when adults could no longer get along, they would not use the children as pawns in their anger and frustration at the other parent. I don't know of too many divorces or breakups that involve kids that the parents actually leave the kids out of it and do what's right for the kids.

We went and picked up a few groceries for him and his roommate on Saturday. It was nice just spending time together, and even something as mundane as getting some groceries was enjoyable. We rode around for a bit in the truck because it was sooooo nice outside. The weather was beautiful. When we got done and went back home, I went out in the backyard with Mail Man for a little while and we played with the dogs. We sat in the sunshine and played ball with the dogs. We played till the sun dipped down over the house and there was no more sun to sit in. Then we were going to fire up the grill, but the grill was not in working order, so we settled for a sandwich and chips.

After that we spent more time talking and watched some t.v.  I made my call to S and waited for him to call back. After I talked to S, we changed clothes and got into the hot tub. It has been years and years since I was in a hot tub and I forgot just how wonderful it was. I bought some wine and Jager for us to drink while we were in the hot tub. I did not drink any wine because it was awful. It was not wine, it was some kind of wine "drink" with carbonation in it. Yuck. That will teach me to buy wine at a drive up window. A good merlot does not have carbonation in it. So I had some Jager with Mail Man. That shit tasted like cough syrup. And I don't mean the kind they make now that burns a bit but is flavored to sort of taste good, I mean the cough syrup we drank as a kid from the doctor that made you never want to take medicine again. We did not get drunk as that was not the purpose of drinking that night. Although if I had drank my wine, if it had been real wine, I probably would have gotten drunk. I love me a lot of some wine.

We sat in the hot tub until we were all pruned up and wrinkly. We decided that we were hungry and I wanted pizza. We called a couple of local places and no one answered. So we cleaned up and went in search of pizza. I was really tired from not sleeping the night before so I sat in the truck while he went in for the pizza and slept rested my eyes for a nap refresher. That was about 11 pm. We went back home and ate pizza and watched a movie. It was one I had never seen before and it was right up my alley. Bloody, gory, and scary. Well, it wasn't really scary, but it was pretty good. It was on until 2 am. I was glad I rested because I had to see how the movie ended, and it was all I could do to stay awake. Then we went off to bed. To sleep-behave yourselves. I was too tired to even keep my eyes open, how was I going to participate in anything else(not that I didn't participate at other times of the day)?

I tried to sleep in the next day. But as usual, the sun woke up and so did I. We sat around and talked some more, ate breakfast and then Mail Man did some housekeeping. He did a couple of loads of laundry, ran the dishwasher and then put the dishes away, and fed the dogs. I gathered all my stuff and loaded the bags up. Then before we knew it, it was time to get going to head back home.

I was sad to see the weekend end. I do know that I want a whole lot more of those kinds of days. There were no flashy dates, no super exciting trips. It was just the good quality time together doing things that needed to get done and some things we just wanted to do. It was just the kind of thing to make a girl fall in love.

She's Moved

Well, what an intersting weekend this was for the move.

It all started with the drive down. I don't know about all of you guys, but I am sick to death of snow and ice. especially since I have to keep driving in it. I left work early, which I planned to do anyway, but instead of going home and just being there for a while, I left home almost immediately. Which was a good thing. The first road I was on was a state route and they were plowing, but it was coming down faster than they could get it cleared back off. And of course everyone was driving really really slow. I am a total lead foot and don't like to drive slow, especially when I know the roads are just snowy and not slick. I did eventually get out from behind the slow drivers and the rest of us made good time. I made it through all the small towns and got onto the interstate.

The interstate was awful. The plow trucks had plowed and salted so there was a lot of slick icy slush. It was not fun to drive in. The big trucks were still passing me and as they passed, they threw the slush up on my windshield making it so I couldn't see until they were all the way around me. I had to drive on this interstate for about 55 miles. It took well over an hour. I slipped and slided on several occasions. I saw lots of other cars sliding too.

The next interstate was just as bad to start with. There was not quite as much snow on the road, but as I was driving I realized it was also a lot more ice than the other road had. Several cars went off the side of the road in front of me. A couple went too far into the ditch to be able to get back out, but several slid to the edge and when their tires caught traction on the grass they stopped without trouble. I watched one try to just get right back on, like it had never happened. This interstate drive was over 100 miles. After about 45 minutes the snow started turning to rain. Then just a few more miles down the road, it was all rain. I was able to make good time after that.

I switched interstates one more time to get to my cousin's town. I found my exit with no problem and made the first couple of turns on the directions I had printed from online. Then I could not find the road I was supposed to turn on. So, I backtracked to the interstate and started over thinking maybe I had started off wrong. No such luck. The road was not where it was supposed to be according to my directions. I went back to the main road and parked in the Wags parking lot. Gotta love that I can find the Wags anywhere. I sent a text to my cousin telling her to come and get me. In the meantime, I sent text messages back and forth with MM. I called my son. And then my cousin showed up. I followed her to the wine store. We backtracked to go to her house.

We ended up going straight to bed because we were all exhausted. I am sleeping in her room as there is not anywhere else to sleep as she has everything packed up. As we are laying there, we could hear her cats making a lot of racket. She did not want the cats to wake up her step dad so she went to see what they were doing. And I thought she was going to die laughing with embarassment. They were having sex! Her male cat is fixed, but the new female cat that she found last summer is not. We had a really good laugh over that. She said they had never done that before. I said they just had been being sneaky and hiding it from mom!

We separated the cats and went to bed. We all slept okay. My cousin and her step dad went and got donuts and the truck while I stayed there. She also had some friends showing up from work. About an hour and a half later, we had her all packed and loaded and were finishing cleaning the house up. We swept and mopped and then it was time to go. I followed them a  little ways, but they were stopping to load her car on a tow dolly. I gave her hugs and started on my way.

The drive home was uneventful. The roads were clear and my car made it the whole way. And of course that was the last time I would be driving to see her. I could probably drive to her new home, but it will be about 5-6 hours instead of 3 1/2 to 4.

And so that was the weekend for moving. No wine cuz there was no time. Bad slick roads going to pick up her step dad, not enough time to eat our pizza (which was really good btw) before picking him up, the ride home even worse, and the cats having sex when we were trying to go to bed. It's always a trip when we get together. It's also always a good time.

Moving Time

This weekend I am driving down to my cousin's house. She lives in Kentucky. Well, she lives there through tomorrow. I am helping her pack her stuff, load the truck and get on the road. Today I am leaving work early to get there when she gets off work. It is several hours worth of driving to get there. She helped me move quite a few years ago when our area was blanketed in temperatures that rivaled Hell. And I had no air conditioning. Now that is a true friend. So, off I go into a snowstorm today to help her. From one extreme to another I guess.

Tonight when I get there we are going to go get pizza at a restaurant called Quattros. I have been told it is the best pizza on earth. So tonight I get to eat there and fill my belly with the best pizza on earth. I will get back to you on that status next week. Then we pick up her step-dad at the train station and head back to her place. We will have wine and pack boxes. Tomorrow we will get up and load the truck, her cats, her car and then be off.

Well, she will be off. I am meeting my new beau down the road from her for the rest of the weekend. I plan to have a lot of fun this weekend. Family, Pizza, Wine, and my new love. I am anxious to get my weekend started!

My Favorite Piece of Furniture

suggested by Furniture Gothic

"Describe your favorite piece of furniture. What kind of memories are associated with it?"

I found this prompt today while scanning around for a different kind of topic. I like this one because my favorite piece of furniture is my loveseat. It is not the best  quality. And it is not really holding up to the abuse it received from my son as a toddler (can you say jumper?), and it certainly is not faring well against three cats and all those sharp pointy claws.
 
It is a rough sort of texture. Not really rough per se, just certainly not the smooth texture of, say, my sisters couch. Maybe more like a bit nubby. It is brown in color with threads of tan running through it.
 
After a couple of years of abuse from my son jumping on it and me flopping down on it, some of the springs have started to give way. I had to place a board under the cushions so that you don't sink in so far your knees are at your ears.
 
My cats have taken to clawing on one of the corners. At least it is on the back side where no one can see it. I must say, though, that it took a lot longer than I figured to start showing any wear from that. I figured in a few months, my heathens with claws would have shredded all fabric off of it. It took over 6 years.
 
It is, however, the only piece of furniture in my house that I bought, brand spankin new. Everything else in my house is either a hand-me-down, bought by someone else for me or a yard sale find. I searched high and low for weeks to find something that was the right color (to hide stains), the right texture (sturdy fabric for those cat knives), the right size (most of my homes have been pretty small), and of course comfy. This love seat fit all the requirements. So I bought it on the spot. Then realized I was in a two door car. I had no way to get it home and the store did not deliver. So I called my mom and told her I needed to borrow her SUV, or needed her to come back with me to pick it up. She was busy right then, but would be ready when I got there. Off I go to momma's house, and back we ride. We load it in her SUV and take it to my house. My very first piece of furniture that I was the only one who ever owned it. That love seat will hold a place in my memories forever. I was pleased when I bought it, and am still happy with my purchase.
 
What is your favorite piece of funiture in your house? Why?

Little Life Lessons

I was at Target. It had been a long day with S. He was being pretty good, all things considered. Shopping was not one of his strong suits. It still isn't as far as I can tell. We got to the checkout and I started plopping all the junk on the counter. This was always a big deal as S always had to ride in the back with his backpack and unload all his stuff to play with while I was shopping. We get all the stuff scanned, bagged and loaded back into the cart. We walked (I walk, he rides) over towards the door. I started picking all his "treasures" that must be carried with him everywhere he went. And trust me, that was no small task. The kid had more treasures than anyone I have ever known.

I got both of our coats on and off we went. We get to my car. (Man, I miss that car. That would be the one I wrecked twice, and boy was it my favorite car ever!) I loaded our bags into the trunk. I loaded S's backpack. I went to lift him out of the cart and realized that I had a small package laying in the cart still. It was the mascara that I had picked up. I knew immediately that I had not paid for it.

I pushed the cart right back into the store and went to the customer service desk. I took out the mascara and told the girl at the desk that I needed to pay for it. I found it in the bottom of the cart when I was unloading and now needed to pay. She stared at me. I said again that I needed to pay for the mascara. She actually asked me if I was for real. I had no idea what she meant. I said excuse me? She then proceeded to tell me that in the whole time she worked there, she had never heard of anyone coming back to pay for something that made it out of the store. I asked her again to please ring it up. She told me to wait just a minute. She picked up the phone and called someone. This faceless person showed up a moment later. It was a manager. She got the "story" from the girl behind the desk. She looked at me and said she didn't understand why I would bring it back in. I told them to just ring the mascara up so I could get on my way home. She rang it up and told me she was sorry for their reaction, but that this was unheard of. No one comes back in to pay for something once they are out.

My response to these two gals? I looked at them, then looked at my son, who was taking in everything that was being said. I then told them that I had to bring it back to pay. What kind of example would I be if I taught my son at four years old that it was okay to steal as long as no one catches you? What kind of person would I be in his eyes if he thought I was not trustworthy? What in the world could I have done differently that would not shape my son's view of life into something a little less positive and right? Nothing. I had to show him the proper way to live and be. The proper way to behave. I certainly was not going to teach my four year old that it's okay to steal. They were completely flabbergasted by that. They had never heard of anyone saying something like that.

I look back at this situation and have several thoughts. The first being, what kind of employees do these stores hire if they expect people to steal and are shocked when they don't. The whole planet is not a bunch of thieves.

The second being that I hope I made a good impression on all involved in the deal. I hope that my son learned a lesson that stealing is not okay. And I really, really hope that those two gals could look at people a little differently, and maybe not so cynically. Look at people and see that there might be some good in there.

Luck or Fate?

Do you believe in Luck?  Or maybe the Fates?

I joke that I have bad luck. My co-workers joke that my picture is in the dictionary next to the definition of bad luck, and that the old phrase of "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all" was coined for me. I may say I have bad luck. However, I don't really believe in luck.

I am not a big believer of coincidence, either. I think things happen for a reason. I may not understand the reason. I may not like what is happening. But it is happening for a reason. I may not know the reason right away. I may not know the reason for a long, long time. It may be an enormous struggle getting through. One day, however, the reason will present itself.

For example, with my situation with S and my ex from hell. I did not understand it, why was it happening? Why did we all have to go through this? I came to terms with the hand I was dealt and waited. Not waited as in not trying to get my baby home, but waited to see why it happened.

I do believe this happened for a lot of reasons. First and foremost, it has strengthened my relationship with my son to an unbelievable level. We have a trust and love that we may not have had before this happened. We will always have this new connection.

Secondly, it gave me more patience. I have never been known for patience, just ask anyone in my family. I have a short temper and let it fly rather frequently. Now, I am calmer. I am less of a drama queen. I have learned the grace of patience. I no longer get as upset with S, or anyone for that matter, for little shit. Although when I am tired I do still tend to be short tempered. I try hard not too, but well, no one is perfect.

Third, I learned to stand up for myself. I have never been a total pushover, just let a lot of people walk on me before saying anything. Not so much anymore. I decided, when it came out,  the Rascall Flatts song, Stand is my anthem.

Fourth, I know that I will do my best to speak out for the other moms out there that get their kids taken for this bogus reason. Not everyone can or will learn the lessons that I have. Not everyone is going to find their inner strength. I want to be that strength for those women and their children. I want to be that voice.

Lastly, I met Mail Man. I have resisted posting about him every day. I want to. I really want to. I think that I have found my soulmate. I feel a connection with this man that I have never felt before. I told my friend K that I was having anxiety attacks. My heart races and I feel lightheaded. I feel like I can't breathe. She told me that is not anxiety, it is the rush of new love. I saw him walk around the building towards me and it started. I had not even talked to him in person at that point, just over the radio. He walked towards me and my heart knew.

My head was another story. I was not willing to admit anything. I wanted to date around. Meet new people. Have a great time. Not settle down with anyone. I wanted to live it up before it was time to move into the next phase of my life of bringing S home. I did not want to feel a connection to anyone. I would not be hurt again. No one would get into my heart and soul. No one would be able to get me to care. I knew that maybe, someday, way down the road, I might want a relationship. For now, my heart was to be locked up. No way was I letting it out to be broken. I did not even want to talk to anyone every day. Or text, or anything. I wanted space and a lot of it. Closeness terrified me.

As I was telling K how I was feeling she was laughing, loudly. She could not help it she said. All that emotion coming from the Queen of Distance. I'm pouring out my fears, well terror is more accurate, and she was laughing. She said that is how it hits. When you are least expecting it and when you aren't looking. Boy was she right. I have been blindsided, for the second time (the first was my ex taking S), in a major way.

I can no longer deny what I am feeling. I can no longer pretend that I am not connected. I want this. And I can admit it out loud that I want it. I want this connection. I want to love and be loved by this man. I feel that connection with my entire being. I can't get him off my mind. I think of him as much as I think about my son. That is saying something. I never thought that I would want to talk to someone daily. Especially never thought I would want to see someone everyday. I never thought I would wonder if a guy would be a good dad for my son (he will). I never thought I would have to wonder if a guy would not want S to come home to me or if he would be helping every step of the way to bring my baby home (he will do whatever he can-we've already talked about it. He knows that S is part of who I am, part of my package). We just fit together. (Get your mind out of the gutter, bitch, I don't mean that way.) I mean emotionally. And intellectually. We have awesome conversations. We have similar goals for our lives. He knows that I can be impatient, knows that I am stubborn, that I can be a slob. He realizes that I have flaws, just as I know he has them (like is his diet is atrocious and he does not want any pets in the house and I have three indoor kitties). We are discovering them as we keep talking. We do have differences. We just are both are willing to work through them. Which we will, because we can and do talk. A lot. I love listening to him talk to me and with me. I just love being with him. I like how good it feels to have his arms around me, just holding me. And the kisses? I tingle from head to toe and feel like I am glowing. When he holds me, it feels like he is my anchor holding me safe. I feel like I am home. I feel complete.

I am glad that destiny brought me down this path. I feel like big things will happen to me and for me this year. I feel the biggness looming out in front of me. I don't know if it will all be good, and some of it may be bad, but I feel it. I feel this new path I am on will be one of adventure. I feel alive. Thank you Fates.

Roads Not Taken

Do you remember when you went to get your drivers license? I still do. And to this day, I still do not know how I passed. I think the lady felt bad for me. Or else she wanted to get the crazy hormonal teenager away from her. Yes, I was that girl that always had the periods during the months events. Like birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever. If there was an occasion that month, I was PMSing.

Anyway, the drivers test. I had to wait until the day after my birthday to go and take the test and I was totally annoyed by that. I mean who the hell has to wait until the day after? Well, probably a lot of people, but a one-day-past-her-sixteenth-pms-from-hell-just-wants-her-friggin-license girl doesn't want to hear that. So off my mom and I go to the DL office. Then of course they are super busy cuz it is the only one for our entire county. I was hot (did I mention my birthday is in August?) and cranky and just wanted to take my test to get away from my mom. Because no teenage girl wants to sit anywhere with their mom. How uncool is that? Then my number is called and I get to go drive!! So we get in after checking that all the lights work okay and strap ourselves in. Because nobody wants to die in a car being driven by a teenager that hasn't even passed the test yet. So we drive around this area called Friendly town. That way when you already have your license you know to avoid that area of town so you don't get run over by a new driver.

Anyway, I am super nervous, cuz failing is not an option. How embarrassing would that be since all my friends passed the first time. Why yes, I was the youngest of my friends. So after making a series of small mistakes that apparently don't count off for too much, I turn the wrong way. She says turn one way, and I totally go the opposite way. It wasn't on a one way road at least. I freaked out. I started saying over and over how I realized that I just went the wrong way. I went the wrong way. Do you want me to turn around? Where can I turn around at? Do you just want me to go around the block? I can try to use someone's driveway and turn around! Do you follow some sort of path and we totally need to turn around to get us back on track?

At this point, I think the poor lady wanted to jump from my car as I am driving down the road. She keeps telling me that it's okay, don't panic. Stay the direction we are going. It was not any particular route. We can go anywhere. It's okay. It's okay. While secretly crossing her fingers hoping to make it out alive.

She then directs us right back the the DL office. I'm still not sure she thought we would make it. Can you imagine how scary a job that must be? But anyway we get back and I am near tears saying I understand that she can't pass me because I can't even follow directions. I will just come back. How long do I have to wait before I can try again? Can it be the next day? She grimaces and says I passed and there is no need to come back. You think she was trying to get rid of me? Well, regardless, I got my mug shot and got my plastic. And of course life was never the same. Especially since I totalled my mom's car a few months later. Yeah. Good times.

I Am So In Charge

Well, I have made a command decision. I just like the way that sounds. Like I am actually in charge of something. Or that I am in control of the household. Wait, I am the household. So, dammit, I am in charge of the household. I am so in charge. Go me, Go me. I'm the boss. Okay, okay, I just went too far. I certainly don't need that to go to my head.

Anyway, my decision. I am going to throw a ton of shit away. Now, before that can make any sense to you, I have to go back. Go back in time. Close your eyes, you are getting sleepy, and now the clock is turning backwards. NO, wait that's what the shrink is supposed to say.

Way back when S was taken by his dad, I was getting ready to move into my new house. Well, not a new house, it's a wonderful old house, but new to me. I had sort of started packing and had a couple of big bags of trash that I wanted to get rid of before moving. Mostly this consisted of things like scratch paper that S had drawn on, old clothes not fit to pass on, you know, that sort of junk stuff that seems to accumulate and grow and multiply like rabbits. Then I found out that S wasn't coming home. I refused to part with it. It was a connection for me to him. I would get rid of it after the next court date. Then the next one. Then the next one. You see where this is going? Hmmm?

Then, of course, S keeps getting older and bigger. He can no longer wear the clothes that I had for him. He no longer will play, nor should he, with all the toys I had for him. Most of the books are well under his reading ability. There are some that will be right up his alley now, though. But, I could not part with it. It was like a talisman that he would come home so long as I kept everything to show that I loved him whole-heartedly. If I kept all the stuff he would be home soon.

Well, we see how that is going. Three years later, I still have no son home and a house full of shit that I can't use, don't need, and should have pitched a long time ago.

/Insert command decision here./
I am purging this weekend. All of it is going bye-bye. Either the clothes-with tags still on mind you-will go to the womens shelter for the kids they bring in with them or the salvation army. The toys will meet the same fate. And the trash? It will find it's rightful home in the dumpster. And when I am done, I shall feel lighter. I shall feel rejuvinated. I shall feel less burdened. And I will still have hope that my son will come home. Whether or not I save his pictures and drawings from when he was three has absolutely no bearing on when he comes home. And I shall not be a slave any longer to the superstitions of, umm, goofyness. That is the only word I can come up for that. I told my mom that the saved items do not make the memories, the memories are in my brain, however fogged up it may be. (Which it wouldn't be so fogged up if I was getting some sleep. Which would happen if I stayed home instead running out to meet the Mail Man.) The memories are just that, my memories. Saving the paper doesn't make it stay longer. I won't forget the times we had sitting at the table together drawing and playing silly games, whether I keep the drawing or not. And when I start to lose the memories in old age, well, I won't know that I am losing the memory. So therefore, I have lost nothing.

I will also turn up the music this weekend while I am purging. I will even have a good time doing it. I shall dance around my house while cleaning it out. I will have a good time and lose nothing of importance. I will remember. And move forward. ( And I really need to stop using sentance fragments too, but that is neither here nor there.)

Mail Man

Well, Mail Man is actually available. And also cute. And also nice, smart, has manners, is respectful, and totally funny. He has kept me laughing for days. And a good kisser. He is a dad, so he understands about me trying to get S back, and that being a mom is a big important part of who I am. He has already told me that he understands the difficulties of being a single mom, because his mom was as well. She has since remarried, so that gives me hope.

Anyway, Mail Man. All I can say right now is wow. I already talked to him about not wanting or being able to make a commitment yet, and that I need to take this super slow and easy. He is actually okay with that and is not pressuring me at all over anything. He has not told me that he plans on changing me. He does not talk down to me. He does not act as if he needs to take care of me, or make my decisions. He is accepting of the things that I talked about with him. We agree on a lot, but not everything. He does live down south. It's a couple of hours from where my ex lives. So close enough that I can see him on my way down and back, but not so close that I would ever see my ex while there. Not that I don't want my ex to see me with someone, but because I don't want to subject anyone to my ex. I can also see him as he comes through my area on his route. I have met up with him a few times now. I have enjoyed all the time we have had together. And big plus, he has not critisized my friends or family. He knows that I am a daddy's girl and thinks that it's cute and funny. He knows by now that I am extremely stubborn and says that's okay, he is too. I am sure at some point we are going to butt heads and it may not be pretty. We talked about some of the goals we have in life and some of the things that we believe in, like morals and responsibility. And we seem to be on the same page for most of it. Particularly the lying and cheating that I talked about yesterday. He's not cool with that kind of behavior either. It is really nice to know that there are single guys out there with morals. And that they are not crazy. Well, at least he is not crazy yet. It's still early and you never know what will happen. He might be some kind of psycho ax murderer wanted in ten states. Or he could have some weirdo fetish that totally creeps me out. Like maybe eating toe jam. Or flashing his wonker in public. You never know. But this time, I really hope that we both stick around to find out. It could be fun.

**I would just lik to add that Mail Man is getting divorced, not single. I realized after posting that I put single as if he is not married and already divorced. The divorce is in process. He is available though.

Morals and All That Jazz

Okay boys and girls. On to guy number two. "C" as we shall call him. Totally hot C, by the way in case I didn't mention that yet. I did? Well it was certainly worth mentioning again. Yeah, we went out a couple of times. We had coffee, stopped just to chat, stopped by to chat another time, with kisses. Then I didn't hear from him for like a week. Whatever, it's not like I hopped in the sack with him, so no loss. Then out of the blue, he calls back. Yeah let's get together again. I am thinking at this point that he seems like a really nice guy. So we get together and we're chatting, and oopsy. He let this slip- not sure if on accident or on purpose. Here we go, are you ready for it? He is married. The bast***. No ring on, of course. I obviously would have noticed that before. So, I tell him that I am not cool with that. He starts talking about how unhappy they are and that he doesn't want to be married to her, he only stays for his kids. Well, that just makes it all better doesn't it? (do you hear the snarky in there?) What did he think I was born yesterday? It can't be all that bad if you are still married, dude. I left. So Strike Out again.

Don't forget that in the meantime is when I went out with my friend for New Year's Eve. I know that guy is not an avenue to pursue for a relationship, but he is a good guy and a good friend. Just what a guy wants to hear, I know.

But, don't get discouraged, the story shall continue. I met another guy at the bar one night while sitting there with my dad. I was just sitting there drinking my Diet Pepsi and here he comes. Another cutie. I talk to him for a bit, give him my number and make plans to see him the next day. We meet and play a couple of games of pool. Then the next day comes the next round of bad news. Yeah, he's married too. And oh, so unhappy. I got the same story. WTF? Can't they even come up with a new story, something flambouyant and different, at least, like- she is a pod person, she had been abducted by aliens and is no longer the person he met and fell in love with. He couldn't possibly be happy with the pod person/alien and now he certainly needs to get out there and play the field again so the new girl can be the sacrifice to the aliens when he tries to rescue his wife. And what is it with married guys that don't wear their wedding rings. That was rhetorical of course. They can't pick someone up if they are proudly sporting a wedding band. So Stike Out, again. The next one that hit on me was upfront about it, sort of. After we have dinner, he told me he has a girlfriend, but it's not serious, would I like to go out again? Um, what do you mean by girlfriend but not serious? If the relationship is serious enough to call her your girlfriend, it's too serious for us to go out. Yeah, well, she is more serious than him, she stays at his house a lot, but he doesn't want to marry her, so he's still playing the field, trying to find the right girl. Umm, Strike Out. For him, not me. Even if he does have a nice house and an awesome truck.

I had just about given up with the cute guys, thinking they must all be taken. Cuz while the nice, but not totally cute guys that I've dated wind up crazy and nuts, the cute ones all end up "involved" in some way or another. Well, I won't give up. Even if they turn out to be crazy or taken, I'm still having fun, and getting a lot of free dinners out. I would not have paid to eat out this many times. I just know now to ask first. Are you married, happily or not? Are you living with someone? Do you have a girlfriend, and by girlfriend, I mean anyone that you are seeing that maybe you don't think is serious but she does and you have been out more than once or twice or perhaps met her parents?

Seriously, what is wrong with guys in general that this behavior is okay? I mean, I get it, I am a nut magnet. But WTF is wrong with this picture that all of these guys are attached to someone else and they are out there flirting and hitting on girls. Is nothing sacred anymore? Are there no morals anymore? Don't people have internal moral compasses that prevents them from doing this kind of stuff. Like CHEATING!?!?!? How is that okay in their book? Just because you are not happily married does not give you the right to cheat on your spouse. If these guys were not happily married, why are they still married? I was married and unhappy, so I got divorced. I was "involved" with my son's dad (capt obvious there) and when things went bad, I din't stay and cheat on him. I left. I don't know that they are truely unhappy. Or maybe they are, but just aren't man enough to do the right thing. In which case I don't want them anyway. And if they think it's okay to step out now, they will most certainly think it's okay later. That won't be on me. I don't play that game. But I do keep trying. I will tell you about Mail Man next.

Just Call Me BI***

Holy Hell and Halleluiah! I am back into my single digit pants. I put on my clothes this morning and wasn't really paying attention. I had some work pants that were not in the right spot (I am anal and the clothes are in "order" with capris, then work pants, then jeans, all from lightest to darkest-it's no wonder I HATE to put things away-can you say OCD! and run-on sentence) and after trying on clothes the other day and moving things around after trying them on based on what fit, didn't fit and were too big now. I could not remember why I moved these pants (hell, I can hardly remember anything anymore) and so I put the other pair of pants in their rightful home and put these on. I finished getting dressed.

I just went to the bathroom (okay nothing gross here) and was sitting on the pot, obviously, and looked at the tags on my pants. Come on, admit it, you guys look at your tags when you go to the bathroom too, RIGHT? I am not weird? Please say yes you look too, or else I will totally know why I attract the weirdos.

They are single digits!!!!! They are 8's. I know why now that I moved these pants. Two weeks ago I could not get them on and they were moved because I did not want to try to wear them before work and realize that I could not get them on and feel fat. Cuz, you know, that totally ruins your whole day. Walking around the whole day feeling fat is such a downer.

Now here comes the weirdest part. I have not dieted for the past two to three weeks. I have lived off pizza, Mickie D's other fast food. I don't think I have cooked anything except for popcorn, if that counts as cooking. In addition to all the alcohol that has been running through my system for the past several days. (Marguaritas with my BFF K on Friday and lots of Smirnoff Ice on Saturday. Oh and some celebratory shots that I don't even know what they were, but they were a pretty color. Another friend was celebrating on Saturday and of course I had to help her!) How in the hell did I lose weight while eating/drinking like this? And can I bottle it to share with the rest of the ladies in the world? Cuz I know for damn sure that if I could bottle this and everyone could do the same, I would totally be rich. And SKINNY. And so would you. I would totally share it with you, Friends. We would be rich and skinny together. Cuz it's always more fun together. Wait, I am talking about being skinny here, keep your mind out of the gutter, although that is more fun together than alone as well.....

Nut Magnet

Apparently I attract the weirdos. And I am not sure they are harmless.

Let me start by telling you why I was not dating. A few years ago I ran into this guy who seemed super nice. We chatted for a while and I gave him my phone number. He was divorced like me. He did not have any kids, but his exwife had a kid with her previous husband and was the "dad". He had a steady job. He had manners. All good points. Then he started calling. And calling. Then started talking about his exwife in terms of wife, not ex. Then told me she got a restraining order from him, but he just did not know why. He just wanted to see her and the kid. UM, dude, you can stop calling me now. He did not stop calling for at least a week, until I stopped answering his phone calls. Blechhhhh.

Fast forward several months. I meet another guy. Same story, steady job, lived a little closer than the last guy, not married but had kids. Spent some time talking on the phone and he was nice enough. About a three days into this, I get a text message. I asked him to not send them because I did not have a plan for texting and had to pay for them. He says okay. Then a few days later, I get a text message again. At three in the morning.  I am sorry, but no one, I mean NO ONE had better send me a text message at three in the fucking morning unless someone is dying or dead. And what pray-tell was so important to tell me at 3 am? He was IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!! Oh no, no no no no no. NO YOU DON'T. You do not love me after a week. So I sent back a snarky text message telling him that I didn't want to hear that and I thought I said no more text messages. Oh, but he thought I would want to know and he's sorry to send the message. To which I responded then stop sending these. I don't want a text message and I don't want to talk to you anymore. To which he responds he really is sorry and please will I keep talking to him? DELETE. I blocked his number too.

So that is why I did not date. I attract the freaks. The weirdos. The stalker crazy dudes that will kill you if you go behind the building with them. Then I started my dating recently again. I decided to take advantage of my son not being home and needing to find babysitters to go out. I thought, Self, you might as well do something now while you can. Get out there and see if you can meet Mr. Right For Now. See what happens, see where it leads. And if it's the bedroom, that is A-OK. Everyone needs a little love. Go get some.
Then I am introduced to guy number one. We will call him H. And he is a texter. Fortunately I have unlimited everything on my phone now so at least I was not paying for the million individual texts that he sent. A little over the top, but harmless as far as things go. He comes over to visit and hang out one evening. No hanky panky, just chatting. He goes home and sends me text messages on his way home. WTF? You were just here. What ever dude. Then he calls the next night. I asked him about sending the text messages and he said he just really enjoyed talking to me and was sad the evening was over. Whatevs dude. Except we end up talking on the phone for a long time. I did enjoy the conversation, but this was totally monopolizing my time. He says he won't be able to talk the next day because he had church the following evening and he was going to take his mom as she doesn't drive. Fine by me. I needed to get ready for my trip to see S. Except he showed up at my house. No church after all. He wasn't going because his mom didn't want to go. Ok, well I have to pack some. No problem, he can chat while I get my stuff ready. I tell him tomorrow will not be good as it was my last day home before my trip and I wanted to get more stuff done that I had been putting off. He calls and can he pretty please come over. Whatever, I have stuff to do. He comes over and stays way too late, despite me\y efforts to get him out early and get to bed. Then sends me text messages all day and evening on Friday wishing me a good trip and a good time. I don't respond. First of all I was driving and second of all I need a break.
As I was leaving though, on Friday, I put it out there to the universe that if I was supposed to be with H and we should keep talking, let the radio be silent and no one flirt with me. Dead ass radio on Friday night. I wondered if I had my answer. I had a good time with S. Then as I am dropping S off at his dad's I get another text from him. Now, dude, I told you I would not be available until at least Monday. BACK OFF. I ignore the first couple of texts. Then I get pissed, pull over at a gas station and tell him that it was my weekend with my son and I had no interest in talking to him. I would see him when I got home. He sends one back and said that no problem your son should always come first. I chose to not answer that one because if he thought my son should come first, then why was he bothering me with text messages? And what do you know? The radio was not silent. The guys on the road chatted with me. I actually drove for a long time (many miles and hours) with the same drivers chatting back and forth. We even stopped to get coffee together. I think I got my answer. If I was even interested in stopping to talk to someone new, I was not that interested in H.

He wanted to come over Monday night and I told him no. Then he did end up coming over a couple of days later with some movies he thought I would enjoy. He brought me chick flicks and love movies. WTF? I like scary movies and slasher movies and action movies. The gory-er the better. Since when did he think I would watch a chick flick. I even told him that I didn't like those kind of movies. Then he starts telling me how he would change me and how he would go about changing someone like me that does not like to be told what to do. I got pissed. I told him he was not going to change me and if he didn't like hearing me cuss/watch scary movies/whatever, he could leave, I fucking cuss and he can get the fuck over it. He just laughed and smiled like I was a child and he was indulging me. I did not have him over or talk to him for a few days so I could digest what he told me. I talked to my friend about it cuz I did not want to over react, even though I had met someone new just the past weekend that I prefered talking to.

When I next talked to H, I was telling him how I talked to my friend about some problems that she was having with her daughter and misbehaving. The bastard had the audacity to say my friend must be a bad mom because his kids did not behave badly. What?! You don't ever insult my friends. EVER motherfucker. I told him that was completely asinine on his part to assume that and that I was pissed that he would think that without any shred of evidence showing that. What kind of people do you think I hang out with? And how can you just assume that she's a bad mom because her daughter is acting out? I wasn't looking for advice, just sharing something that made me feel bad because I could not help my friend. My best friend no less, and someone I have been friends with for over 20 years. NO ONE insults my friends. I asked him to leave at that point. I even tried to give back his (unwatched) movies and he would not take them. I knew at that point we would not ever last long term. He could not do even the simplest thing to my satisfaction. All I wanted was for him to take his movies back and he wouldn't. Even though he knew I would not watch them. Then the new text messages started in earnest. Beginning the next day with text messages wanting to know where I was. How much he missed me, he wanted to talk to me, he wanted to see me again. I finally got pissed and texted back to him that I did not want him to miss me and which part of I did not want a relationship with him did he not get. He got pissed finally and said that maybe we should go our seperate ways. No hard feelings. What? I already have hard feelings you dumbass. You insulted my friend and treated me like an idiot that needs someone to tell me how to behave. So I responded as nicely as I possibly could that yes that is (obviously) what I wanted and we should both move on. I would get his movies back to him some other time when I was available to get them to him.

I did not share with him, obviously, that I had already moved on and was talking to guy number two, whom we shall call C. Who by the way was totally hot. And way sexy. And interested in me too. And thought I was hot too. Now, I ask you, who doesn't want a totally hot guy that thinks you are totally hot too? But more on that tomorrow.

Mmmmm. A New Love Affair.

Wonder who will find me with that title? Hee hee.

I want to admit to my new love affair that I have going on. Now, remember as I am telling you this that I am so not girly. Or prissy. Or anything but casual. And try not to laugh too hard when you are remembering that I love flannel and jeans and going bare foot. And that I hate pink anything.

My new love is sparkly. It is shiny. It is tasty. It is lip gloss. I have found that I cannot get enough of it. I run around with like three or four different kinds at a time. Just in case. I have about 8 different kinds now. I wear it as soon as I get up in the morning and put it on all the way up to bedtime. I have all kinds of colors and flavors. Lots of variety depending on my mood. And who I plan on kissing. *snort-giggle* I am just kidding about that. Mostly. Sort of.

I just hope this doesn't mean that I am going to get all girly.

Redneck Girl

I am going out this Friday with my friend K. We will be going out later in the evening as I have to make my call to my son and she wants to get at least the baby in bed before heading out. We are going to go to the "cheers bar". I call it that because it reminds of that bar. Except rated R. Everyone knows your name. Which is nice because no matter when I go in, I can find someone to sit with. It also sucks because every time I'm there, everyone knows who I am. I am my father's daughter and since he hangs out there, ALL that I do is reported back to him. Not that he cares. He is kind of  is a male slut. I tell him this, so even if he found this, he would not be offended. He would probably laugh and say I got that right. Anyway, I know most of the folks there and they know me, so it is nice to go in and have a good laugh about something. Or someone, or both. Never look for sympathy at a bar. You will never receive it.

My cheers bar has Karoake, bands, poker tournaments, pool league, and dart league. There is always some kind of activity. They also have really good food. Friday is Karoake night.  This is the night K wants to go out. She loves to sing. I can totally not sing. Well I can sing, I just suck at it. So I only sing in the car or to my cats. They love my singing. At least they don't claw my tongue out or hide. I do love music though. And a surprising amount of people can sing there. Just not me. But maybe I will have a few and sing a duet. Hopefully no one would throw up then. I just hope we can go. The weather is terrible here. It snowed a lot and now the wind is blowing. I just want it to stop before tomorrow. We totally need a girls night out. We haven't been out as grown ups for probably a few years. We always wind up at one anothers house with all our children screaming and playing in the background. Which is a wonderful sound, but difficult to have an adult conversation. What fun it will be!!!

Now I have a question. At what point do you tell the guy(s) that you are dating that you have a blog? And that you intend to post about your dates. Or do you tell? Do I just keep myself anonymous out here and post all the fun I had on my dates and not tell them for fear they would want to read it? Cuz I really want to start posting about all my dates and nights out for you to read ignore. And do you even want to know about the dates? Cuz I'm dying to share more details about my NYE date with all my Interwebz friends. I gotta share it with someone. Just maybe post that it will be rated PG-13  R from now on? I don't want to offend you all, but I am really really dying to let my true self show. I keep my language tempered, watch how I phrase things, etc.  That's not really me. I am a drinking cussing redneck kind of girl. I want to get my shine back. Much to my mom and sister's consternation. I drive them nuts. We clash a lot. They drive me nuts. But I do love them. Preppy and Girly and all. I tried to be like them and felt all stuffy and boring. I have way more fun my way. Just hope that you will stick with me.

Soooo, I guess maybe I should just issue a warning that Look Out, Here I Come!