Luck or Fate?

Do you believe in Luck?  Or maybe the Fates?

I joke that I have bad luck. My co-workers joke that my picture is in the dictionary next to the definition of bad luck, and that the old phrase of "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all" was coined for me. I may say I have bad luck. However, I don't really believe in luck.

I am not a big believer of coincidence, either. I think things happen for a reason. I may not understand the reason. I may not like what is happening. But it is happening for a reason. I may not know the reason right away. I may not know the reason for a long, long time. It may be an enormous struggle getting through. One day, however, the reason will present itself.

For example, with my situation with S and my ex from hell. I did not understand it, why was it happening? Why did we all have to go through this? I came to terms with the hand I was dealt and waited. Not waited as in not trying to get my baby home, but waited to see why it happened.

I do believe this happened for a lot of reasons. First and foremost, it has strengthened my relationship with my son to an unbelievable level. We have a trust and love that we may not have had before this happened. We will always have this new connection.

Secondly, it gave me more patience. I have never been known for patience, just ask anyone in my family. I have a short temper and let it fly rather frequently. Now, I am calmer. I am less of a drama queen. I have learned the grace of patience. I no longer get as upset with S, or anyone for that matter, for little shit. Although when I am tired I do still tend to be short tempered. I try hard not too, but well, no one is perfect.

Third, I learned to stand up for myself. I have never been a total pushover, just let a lot of people walk on me before saying anything. Not so much anymore. I decided, when it came out,  the Rascall Flatts song, Stand is my anthem.

Fourth, I know that I will do my best to speak out for the other moms out there that get their kids taken for this bogus reason. Not everyone can or will learn the lessons that I have. Not everyone is going to find their inner strength. I want to be that strength for those women and their children. I want to be that voice.

Lastly, I met Mail Man. I have resisted posting about him every day. I want to. I really want to. I think that I have found my soulmate. I feel a connection with this man that I have never felt before. I told my friend K that I was having anxiety attacks. My heart races and I feel lightheaded. I feel like I can't breathe. She told me that is not anxiety, it is the rush of new love. I saw him walk around the building towards me and it started. I had not even talked to him in person at that point, just over the radio. He walked towards me and my heart knew.

My head was another story. I was not willing to admit anything. I wanted to date around. Meet new people. Have a great time. Not settle down with anyone. I wanted to live it up before it was time to move into the next phase of my life of bringing S home. I did not want to feel a connection to anyone. I would not be hurt again. No one would get into my heart and soul. No one would be able to get me to care. I knew that maybe, someday, way down the road, I might want a relationship. For now, my heart was to be locked up. No way was I letting it out to be broken. I did not even want to talk to anyone every day. Or text, or anything. I wanted space and a lot of it. Closeness terrified me.

As I was telling K how I was feeling she was laughing, loudly. She could not help it she said. All that emotion coming from the Queen of Distance. I'm pouring out my fears, well terror is more accurate, and she was laughing. She said that is how it hits. When you are least expecting it and when you aren't looking. Boy was she right. I have been blindsided, for the second time (the first was my ex taking S), in a major way.

I can no longer deny what I am feeling. I can no longer pretend that I am not connected. I want this. And I can admit it out loud that I want it. I want this connection. I want to love and be loved by this man. I feel that connection with my entire being. I can't get him off my mind. I think of him as much as I think about my son. That is saying something. I never thought that I would want to talk to someone daily. Especially never thought I would want to see someone everyday. I never thought I would wonder if a guy would be a good dad for my son (he will). I never thought I would have to wonder if a guy would not want S to come home to me or if he would be helping every step of the way to bring my baby home (he will do whatever he can-we've already talked about it. He knows that S is part of who I am, part of my package). We just fit together. (Get your mind out of the gutter, bitch, I don't mean that way.) I mean emotionally. And intellectually. We have awesome conversations. We have similar goals for our lives. He knows that I can be impatient, knows that I am stubborn, that I can be a slob. He realizes that I have flaws, just as I know he has them (like is his diet is atrocious and he does not want any pets in the house and I have three indoor kitties). We are discovering them as we keep talking. We do have differences. We just are both are willing to work through them. Which we will, because we can and do talk. A lot. I love listening to him talk to me and with me. I just love being with him. I like how good it feels to have his arms around me, just holding me. And the kisses? I tingle from head to toe and feel like I am glowing. When he holds me, it feels like he is my anchor holding me safe. I feel like I am home. I feel complete.

I am glad that destiny brought me down this path. I feel like big things will happen to me and for me this year. I feel the biggness looming out in front of me. I don't know if it will all be good, and some of it may be bad, but I feel it. I feel this new path I am on will be one of adventure. I feel alive. Thank you Fates.

Slow Down and Be a Slow Reader

Lots of us would like to say that we would like to be part of a book club. We say that we wish we had more time to read. We say that we wish we had time to get together to discuss said books. We just don't ever have time. We can't get out tonight for the meeting. We have a baby sleeping in the evenings. We have a sick kid. We have lots of excuses of why we can't. Well, now we can. I found a book club for the likes of me. The Slow Readers Book Club.

Excerpted: "Don't let the name fool you- it's not for literally slow readers (although, if you are, we don't judge) and it's not as exclusive as a 'club'. this is an opportunity to take part of a movement that needs a revelation to slow down and take a few minutes in our day to disconnect, reenergize and even be a part of helping our communities and environment, via The Slow Movement."

-Diana

The first book will be Half Broken Horses by Jeannette Walls. I am going to check my library to see if they have it before buying it. There will be two months to read the books, however, since this already started, it finishes on March 4th.  Go check out the website to sign in and be a part of the book discussion when we are all done reading! I am really excited to participate in this.

Roads Not Taken

Do you remember when you went to get your drivers license? I still do. And to this day, I still do not know how I passed. I think the lady felt bad for me. Or else she wanted to get the crazy hormonal teenager away from her. Yes, I was that girl that always had the periods during the months events. Like birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever. If there was an occasion that month, I was PMSing.

Anyway, the drivers test. I had to wait until the day after my birthday to go and take the test and I was totally annoyed by that. I mean who the hell has to wait until the day after? Well, probably a lot of people, but a one-day-past-her-sixteenth-pms-from-hell-just-wants-her-friggin-license girl doesn't want to hear that. So off my mom and I go to the DL office. Then of course they are super busy cuz it is the only one for our entire county. I was hot (did I mention my birthday is in August?) and cranky and just wanted to take my test to get away from my mom. Because no teenage girl wants to sit anywhere with their mom. How uncool is that? Then my number is called and I get to go drive!! So we get in after checking that all the lights work okay and strap ourselves in. Because nobody wants to die in a car being driven by a teenager that hasn't even passed the test yet. So we drive around this area called Friendly town. That way when you already have your license you know to avoid that area of town so you don't get run over by a new driver.

Anyway, I am super nervous, cuz failing is not an option. How embarrassing would that be since all my friends passed the first time. Why yes, I was the youngest of my friends. So after making a series of small mistakes that apparently don't count off for too much, I turn the wrong way. She says turn one way, and I totally go the opposite way. It wasn't on a one way road at least. I freaked out. I started saying over and over how I realized that I just went the wrong way. I went the wrong way. Do you want me to turn around? Where can I turn around at? Do you just want me to go around the block? I can try to use someone's driveway and turn around! Do you follow some sort of path and we totally need to turn around to get us back on track?

At this point, I think the poor lady wanted to jump from my car as I am driving down the road. She keeps telling me that it's okay, don't panic. Stay the direction we are going. It was not any particular route. We can go anywhere. It's okay. It's okay. While secretly crossing her fingers hoping to make it out alive.

She then directs us right back the the DL office. I'm still not sure she thought we would make it. Can you imagine how scary a job that must be? But anyway we get back and I am near tears saying I understand that she can't pass me because I can't even follow directions. I will just come back. How long do I have to wait before I can try again? Can it be the next day? She grimaces and says I passed and there is no need to come back. You think she was trying to get rid of me? Well, regardless, I got my mug shot and got my plastic. And of course life was never the same. Especially since I totalled my mom's car a few months later. Yeah. Good times.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Keely over at The UnMom is host to our random-ness. Check her out.

Let's dive right into some random-ness:

I get really annoyed with the co-workers that think they should come to work when they are sick. That is why we have personal days. Take a day or two off instead of coming to work to spread your coughing, sore throat self around. Because we don't want that. At all. Except now, I am starting to feel it. Echinacea here I come.

I love snow, but hate winter. Not really sure how that works. I love to watch it snow and see it all pile up, but I want to watch it from inside where it is nice and warm. Then I want it to melt off the next day, maybe two days. I just do not like being cold. With low blood pressure, cold hands and feet are standard and snow covered cold hands and feet do not mix.

I picked up my boots from the cobbler on Saturday. Then forgot to wear them today in the snow. Guess that is why no one has accused me of having it all together lately.

I was off work yesterday with a reason I shall share another day. When I come back today, I have piles waitng for me. Why is it that work happens that way? Is there some cardinal universal rule that says every time you take a day off, everyone else is super productive and puts all their projects on to your desk for the next step? I know I am not the only one this happens to. It happens to all us people, so it must be universal.

I think I figured out the secret to my losing weight. I have been eating breakfast. I have read many times that eating breakfast is the best way to lose weight or keep your weight down. And the best part? Breakfast is usually Hardees or McDonalds. Not good for me, I know, but fast and easy. And on my way to work. If this keeps up, I might even start to eat donuts again. Mmmmmm. Donuts. Lovely. Tasty. Sweet. Deliciousness.

It's starting to look like I will totally be driving in the bad weather again on my trip down. It seems like for the last 4-6 trips there has been snow and slick roads on the way down and on the way back. WTH happened to global warming? Where is my warm(er) weather instead of all these crazy piles of snow?

I think my brain just froze up. I am done. See you tomorrow.

Site of the Week Saturday

Just pretend this is Saturday. I scheduled the post, but, again, blogspot is smarter than me.


I am back with the site of the week Saturday. This week it goes to Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka. This mommy is hysterical and real. She's keepin it real, yo. Go check her out. She's just tellin it like it is.

And I mean hysterical as in funny, not running around like a crazy woman, although I would not put that past Aunt Becky.

I Am So In Charge

Well, I have made a command decision. I just like the way that sounds. Like I am actually in charge of something. Or that I am in control of the household. Wait, I am the household. So, dammit, I am in charge of the household. I am so in charge. Go me, Go me. I'm the boss. Okay, okay, I just went too far. I certainly don't need that to go to my head.

Anyway, my decision. I am going to throw a ton of shit away. Now, before that can make any sense to you, I have to go back. Go back in time. Close your eyes, you are getting sleepy, and now the clock is turning backwards. NO, wait that's what the shrink is supposed to say.

Way back when S was taken by his dad, I was getting ready to move into my new house. Well, not a new house, it's a wonderful old house, but new to me. I had sort of started packing and had a couple of big bags of trash that I wanted to get rid of before moving. Mostly this consisted of things like scratch paper that S had drawn on, old clothes not fit to pass on, you know, that sort of junk stuff that seems to accumulate and grow and multiply like rabbits. Then I found out that S wasn't coming home. I refused to part with it. It was a connection for me to him. I would get rid of it after the next court date. Then the next one. Then the next one. You see where this is going? Hmmm?

Then, of course, S keeps getting older and bigger. He can no longer wear the clothes that I had for him. He no longer will play, nor should he, with all the toys I had for him. Most of the books are well under his reading ability. There are some that will be right up his alley now, though. But, I could not part with it. It was like a talisman that he would come home so long as I kept everything to show that I loved him whole-heartedly. If I kept all the stuff he would be home soon.

Well, we see how that is going. Three years later, I still have no son home and a house full of shit that I can't use, don't need, and should have pitched a long time ago.

/Insert command decision here./
I am purging this weekend. All of it is going bye-bye. Either the clothes-with tags still on mind you-will go to the womens shelter for the kids they bring in with them or the salvation army. The toys will meet the same fate. And the trash? It will find it's rightful home in the dumpster. And when I am done, I shall feel lighter. I shall feel rejuvinated. I shall feel less burdened. And I will still have hope that my son will come home. Whether or not I save his pictures and drawings from when he was three has absolutely no bearing on when he comes home. And I shall not be a slave any longer to the superstitions of, umm, goofyness. That is the only word I can come up for that. I told my mom that the saved items do not make the memories, the memories are in my brain, however fogged up it may be. (Which it wouldn't be so fogged up if I was getting some sleep. Which would happen if I stayed home instead running out to meet the Mail Man.) The memories are just that, my memories. Saving the paper doesn't make it stay longer. I won't forget the times we had sitting at the table together drawing and playing silly games, whether I keep the drawing or not. And when I start to lose the memories in old age, well, I won't know that I am losing the memory. So therefore, I have lost nothing.

I will also turn up the music this weekend while I am purging. I will even have a good time doing it. I shall dance around my house while cleaning it out. I will have a good time and lose nothing of importance. I will remember. And move forward. ( And I really need to stop using sentance fragments too, but that is neither here nor there.)

Mail Man

Well, Mail Man is actually available. And also cute. And also nice, smart, has manners, is respectful, and totally funny. He has kept me laughing for days. And a good kisser. He is a dad, so he understands about me trying to get S back, and that being a mom is a big important part of who I am. He has already told me that he understands the difficulties of being a single mom, because his mom was as well. She has since remarried, so that gives me hope.

Anyway, Mail Man. All I can say right now is wow. I already talked to him about not wanting or being able to make a commitment yet, and that I need to take this super slow and easy. He is actually okay with that and is not pressuring me at all over anything. He has not told me that he plans on changing me. He does not talk down to me. He does not act as if he needs to take care of me, or make my decisions. He is accepting of the things that I talked about with him. We agree on a lot, but not everything. He does live down south. It's a couple of hours from where my ex lives. So close enough that I can see him on my way down and back, but not so close that I would ever see my ex while there. Not that I don't want my ex to see me with someone, but because I don't want to subject anyone to my ex. I can also see him as he comes through my area on his route. I have met up with him a few times now. I have enjoyed all the time we have had together. And big plus, he has not critisized my friends or family. He knows that I am a daddy's girl and thinks that it's cute and funny. He knows by now that I am extremely stubborn and says that's okay, he is too. I am sure at some point we are going to butt heads and it may not be pretty. We talked about some of the goals we have in life and some of the things that we believe in, like morals and responsibility. And we seem to be on the same page for most of it. Particularly the lying and cheating that I talked about yesterday. He's not cool with that kind of behavior either. It is really nice to know that there are single guys out there with morals. And that they are not crazy. Well, at least he is not crazy yet. It's still early and you never know what will happen. He might be some kind of psycho ax murderer wanted in ten states. Or he could have some weirdo fetish that totally creeps me out. Like maybe eating toe jam. Or flashing his wonker in public. You never know. But this time, I really hope that we both stick around to find out. It could be fun.

**I would just lik to add that Mail Man is getting divorced, not single. I realized after posting that I put single as if he is not married and already divorced. The divorce is in process. He is available though.