I Am So In Charge

Well, I have made a command decision. I just like the way that sounds. Like I am actually in charge of something. Or that I am in control of the household. Wait, I am the household. So, dammit, I am in charge of the household. I am so in charge. Go me, Go me. I'm the boss. Okay, okay, I just went too far. I certainly don't need that to go to my head.

Anyway, my decision. I am going to throw a ton of shit away. Now, before that can make any sense to you, I have to go back. Go back in time. Close your eyes, you are getting sleepy, and now the clock is turning backwards. NO, wait that's what the shrink is supposed to say.

Way back when S was taken by his dad, I was getting ready to move into my new house. Well, not a new house, it's a wonderful old house, but new to me. I had sort of started packing and had a couple of big bags of trash that I wanted to get rid of before moving. Mostly this consisted of things like scratch paper that S had drawn on, old clothes not fit to pass on, you know, that sort of junk stuff that seems to accumulate and grow and multiply like rabbits. Then I found out that S wasn't coming home. I refused to part with it. It was a connection for me to him. I would get rid of it after the next court date. Then the next one. Then the next one. You see where this is going? Hmmm?

Then, of course, S keeps getting older and bigger. He can no longer wear the clothes that I had for him. He no longer will play, nor should he, with all the toys I had for him. Most of the books are well under his reading ability. There are some that will be right up his alley now, though. But, I could not part with it. It was like a talisman that he would come home so long as I kept everything to show that I loved him whole-heartedly. If I kept all the stuff he would be home soon.

Well, we see how that is going. Three years later, I still have no son home and a house full of shit that I can't use, don't need, and should have pitched a long time ago.

/Insert command decision here./
I am purging this weekend. All of it is going bye-bye. Either the clothes-with tags still on mind you-will go to the womens shelter for the kids they bring in with them or the salvation army. The toys will meet the same fate. And the trash? It will find it's rightful home in the dumpster. And when I am done, I shall feel lighter. I shall feel rejuvinated. I shall feel less burdened. And I will still have hope that my son will come home. Whether or not I save his pictures and drawings from when he was three has absolutely no bearing on when he comes home. And I shall not be a slave any longer to the superstitions of, umm, goofyness. That is the only word I can come up for that. I told my mom that the saved items do not make the memories, the memories are in my brain, however fogged up it may be. (Which it wouldn't be so fogged up if I was getting some sleep. Which would happen if I stayed home instead running out to meet the Mail Man.) The memories are just that, my memories. Saving the paper doesn't make it stay longer. I won't forget the times we had sitting at the table together drawing and playing silly games, whether I keep the drawing or not. And when I start to lose the memories in old age, well, I won't know that I am losing the memory. So therefore, I have lost nothing.

I will also turn up the music this weekend while I am purging. I will even have a good time doing it. I shall dance around my house while cleaning it out. I will have a good time and lose nothing of importance. I will remember. And move forward. ( And I really need to stop using sentance fragments too, but that is neither here nor there.)

Mail Man

Well, Mail Man is actually available. And also cute. And also nice, smart, has manners, is respectful, and totally funny. He has kept me laughing for days. And a good kisser. He is a dad, so he understands about me trying to get S back, and that being a mom is a big important part of who I am. He has already told me that he understands the difficulties of being a single mom, because his mom was as well. She has since remarried, so that gives me hope.

Anyway, Mail Man. All I can say right now is wow. I already talked to him about not wanting or being able to make a commitment yet, and that I need to take this super slow and easy. He is actually okay with that and is not pressuring me at all over anything. He has not told me that he plans on changing me. He does not talk down to me. He does not act as if he needs to take care of me, or make my decisions. He is accepting of the things that I talked about with him. We agree on a lot, but not everything. He does live down south. It's a couple of hours from where my ex lives. So close enough that I can see him on my way down and back, but not so close that I would ever see my ex while there. Not that I don't want my ex to see me with someone, but because I don't want to subject anyone to my ex. I can also see him as he comes through my area on his route. I have met up with him a few times now. I have enjoyed all the time we have had together. And big plus, he has not critisized my friends or family. He knows that I am a daddy's girl and thinks that it's cute and funny. He knows by now that I am extremely stubborn and says that's okay, he is too. I am sure at some point we are going to butt heads and it may not be pretty. We talked about some of the goals we have in life and some of the things that we believe in, like morals and responsibility. And we seem to be on the same page for most of it. Particularly the lying and cheating that I talked about yesterday. He's not cool with that kind of behavior either. It is really nice to know that there are single guys out there with morals. And that they are not crazy. Well, at least he is not crazy yet. It's still early and you never know what will happen. He might be some kind of psycho ax murderer wanted in ten states. Or he could have some weirdo fetish that totally creeps me out. Like maybe eating toe jam. Or flashing his wonker in public. You never know. But this time, I really hope that we both stick around to find out. It could be fun.

**I would just lik to add that Mail Man is getting divorced, not single. I realized after posting that I put single as if he is not married and already divorced. The divorce is in process. He is available though.

Morals and All That Jazz

Okay boys and girls. On to guy number two. "C" as we shall call him. Totally hot C, by the way in case I didn't mention that yet. I did? Well it was certainly worth mentioning again. Yeah, we went out a couple of times. We had coffee, stopped just to chat, stopped by to chat another time, with kisses. Then I didn't hear from him for like a week. Whatever, it's not like I hopped in the sack with him, so no loss. Then out of the blue, he calls back. Yeah let's get together again. I am thinking at this point that he seems like a really nice guy. So we get together and we're chatting, and oopsy. He let this slip- not sure if on accident or on purpose. Here we go, are you ready for it? He is married. The bast***. No ring on, of course. I obviously would have noticed that before. So, I tell him that I am not cool with that. He starts talking about how unhappy they are and that he doesn't want to be married to her, he only stays for his kids. Well, that just makes it all better doesn't it? (do you hear the snarky in there?) What did he think I was born yesterday? It can't be all that bad if you are still married, dude. I left. So Strike Out again.

Don't forget that in the meantime is when I went out with my friend for New Year's Eve. I know that guy is not an avenue to pursue for a relationship, but he is a good guy and a good friend. Just what a guy wants to hear, I know.

But, don't get discouraged, the story shall continue. I met another guy at the bar one night while sitting there with my dad. I was just sitting there drinking my Diet Pepsi and here he comes. Another cutie. I talk to him for a bit, give him my number and make plans to see him the next day. We meet and play a couple of games of pool. Then the next day comes the next round of bad news. Yeah, he's married too. And oh, so unhappy. I got the same story. WTF? Can't they even come up with a new story, something flambouyant and different, at least, like- she is a pod person, she had been abducted by aliens and is no longer the person he met and fell in love with. He couldn't possibly be happy with the pod person/alien and now he certainly needs to get out there and play the field again so the new girl can be the sacrifice to the aliens when he tries to rescue his wife. And what is it with married guys that don't wear their wedding rings. That was rhetorical of course. They can't pick someone up if they are proudly sporting a wedding band. So Stike Out, again. The next one that hit on me was upfront about it, sort of. After we have dinner, he told me he has a girlfriend, but it's not serious, would I like to go out again? Um, what do you mean by girlfriend but not serious? If the relationship is serious enough to call her your girlfriend, it's too serious for us to go out. Yeah, well, she is more serious than him, she stays at his house a lot, but he doesn't want to marry her, so he's still playing the field, trying to find the right girl. Umm, Strike Out. For him, not me. Even if he does have a nice house and an awesome truck.

I had just about given up with the cute guys, thinking they must all be taken. Cuz while the nice, but not totally cute guys that I've dated wind up crazy and nuts, the cute ones all end up "involved" in some way or another. Well, I won't give up. Even if they turn out to be crazy or taken, I'm still having fun, and getting a lot of free dinners out. I would not have paid to eat out this many times. I just know now to ask first. Are you married, happily or not? Are you living with someone? Do you have a girlfriend, and by girlfriend, I mean anyone that you are seeing that maybe you don't think is serious but she does and you have been out more than once or twice or perhaps met her parents?

Seriously, what is wrong with guys in general that this behavior is okay? I mean, I get it, I am a nut magnet. But WTF is wrong with this picture that all of these guys are attached to someone else and they are out there flirting and hitting on girls. Is nothing sacred anymore? Are there no morals anymore? Don't people have internal moral compasses that prevents them from doing this kind of stuff. Like CHEATING!?!?!? How is that okay in their book? Just because you are not happily married does not give you the right to cheat on your spouse. If these guys were not happily married, why are they still married? I was married and unhappy, so I got divorced. I was "involved" with my son's dad (capt obvious there) and when things went bad, I din't stay and cheat on him. I left. I don't know that they are truely unhappy. Or maybe they are, but just aren't man enough to do the right thing. In which case I don't want them anyway. And if they think it's okay to step out now, they will most certainly think it's okay later. That won't be on me. I don't play that game. But I do keep trying. I will tell you about Mail Man next.

Just Call Me BI***

Holy Hell and Halleluiah! I am back into my single digit pants. I put on my clothes this morning and wasn't really paying attention. I had some work pants that were not in the right spot (I am anal and the clothes are in "order" with capris, then work pants, then jeans, all from lightest to darkest-it's no wonder I HATE to put things away-can you say OCD! and run-on sentence) and after trying on clothes the other day and moving things around after trying them on based on what fit, didn't fit and were too big now. I could not remember why I moved these pants (hell, I can hardly remember anything anymore) and so I put the other pair of pants in their rightful home and put these on. I finished getting dressed.

I just went to the bathroom (okay nothing gross here) and was sitting on the pot, obviously, and looked at the tags on my pants. Come on, admit it, you guys look at your tags when you go to the bathroom too, RIGHT? I am not weird? Please say yes you look too, or else I will totally know why I attract the weirdos.

They are single digits!!!!! They are 8's. I know why now that I moved these pants. Two weeks ago I could not get them on and they were moved because I did not want to try to wear them before work and realize that I could not get them on and feel fat. Cuz, you know, that totally ruins your whole day. Walking around the whole day feeling fat is such a downer.

Now here comes the weirdest part. I have not dieted for the past two to three weeks. I have lived off pizza, Mickie D's other fast food. I don't think I have cooked anything except for popcorn, if that counts as cooking. In addition to all the alcohol that has been running through my system for the past several days. (Marguaritas with my BFF K on Friday and lots of Smirnoff Ice on Saturday. Oh and some celebratory shots that I don't even know what they were, but they were a pretty color. Another friend was celebrating on Saturday and of course I had to help her!) How in the hell did I lose weight while eating/drinking like this? And can I bottle it to share with the rest of the ladies in the world? Cuz I know for damn sure that if I could bottle this and everyone could do the same, I would totally be rich. And SKINNY. And so would you. I would totally share it with you, Friends. We would be rich and skinny together. Cuz it's always more fun together. Wait, I am talking about being skinny here, keep your mind out of the gutter, although that is more fun together than alone as well.....

Nut Magnet

Apparently I attract the weirdos. And I am not sure they are harmless.

Let me start by telling you why I was not dating. A few years ago I ran into this guy who seemed super nice. We chatted for a while and I gave him my phone number. He was divorced like me. He did not have any kids, but his exwife had a kid with her previous husband and was the "dad". He had a steady job. He had manners. All good points. Then he started calling. And calling. Then started talking about his exwife in terms of wife, not ex. Then told me she got a restraining order from him, but he just did not know why. He just wanted to see her and the kid. UM, dude, you can stop calling me now. He did not stop calling for at least a week, until I stopped answering his phone calls. Blechhhhh.

Fast forward several months. I meet another guy. Same story, steady job, lived a little closer than the last guy, not married but had kids. Spent some time talking on the phone and he was nice enough. About a three days into this, I get a text message. I asked him to not send them because I did not have a plan for texting and had to pay for them. He says okay. Then a few days later, I get a text message again. At three in the morning.  I am sorry, but no one, I mean NO ONE had better send me a text message at three in the fucking morning unless someone is dying or dead. And what pray-tell was so important to tell me at 3 am? He was IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!! Oh no, no no no no no. NO YOU DON'T. You do not love me after a week. So I sent back a snarky text message telling him that I didn't want to hear that and I thought I said no more text messages. Oh, but he thought I would want to know and he's sorry to send the message. To which I responded then stop sending these. I don't want a text message and I don't want to talk to you anymore. To which he responds he really is sorry and please will I keep talking to him? DELETE. I blocked his number too.

So that is why I did not date. I attract the freaks. The weirdos. The stalker crazy dudes that will kill you if you go behind the building with them. Then I started my dating recently again. I decided to take advantage of my son not being home and needing to find babysitters to go out. I thought, Self, you might as well do something now while you can. Get out there and see if you can meet Mr. Right For Now. See what happens, see where it leads. And if it's the bedroom, that is A-OK. Everyone needs a little love. Go get some.
Then I am introduced to guy number one. We will call him H. And he is a texter. Fortunately I have unlimited everything on my phone now so at least I was not paying for the million individual texts that he sent. A little over the top, but harmless as far as things go. He comes over to visit and hang out one evening. No hanky panky, just chatting. He goes home and sends me text messages on his way home. WTF? You were just here. What ever dude. Then he calls the next night. I asked him about sending the text messages and he said he just really enjoyed talking to me and was sad the evening was over. Whatevs dude. Except we end up talking on the phone for a long time. I did enjoy the conversation, but this was totally monopolizing my time. He says he won't be able to talk the next day because he had church the following evening and he was going to take his mom as she doesn't drive. Fine by me. I needed to get ready for my trip to see S. Except he showed up at my house. No church after all. He wasn't going because his mom didn't want to go. Ok, well I have to pack some. No problem, he can chat while I get my stuff ready. I tell him tomorrow will not be good as it was my last day home before my trip and I wanted to get more stuff done that I had been putting off. He calls and can he pretty please come over. Whatever, I have stuff to do. He comes over and stays way too late, despite me\y efforts to get him out early and get to bed. Then sends me text messages all day and evening on Friday wishing me a good trip and a good time. I don't respond. First of all I was driving and second of all I need a break.
As I was leaving though, on Friday, I put it out there to the universe that if I was supposed to be with H and we should keep talking, let the radio be silent and no one flirt with me. Dead ass radio on Friday night. I wondered if I had my answer. I had a good time with S. Then as I am dropping S off at his dad's I get another text from him. Now, dude, I told you I would not be available until at least Monday. BACK OFF. I ignore the first couple of texts. Then I get pissed, pull over at a gas station and tell him that it was my weekend with my son and I had no interest in talking to him. I would see him when I got home. He sends one back and said that no problem your son should always come first. I chose to not answer that one because if he thought my son should come first, then why was he bothering me with text messages? And what do you know? The radio was not silent. The guys on the road chatted with me. I actually drove for a long time (many miles and hours) with the same drivers chatting back and forth. We even stopped to get coffee together. I think I got my answer. If I was even interested in stopping to talk to someone new, I was not that interested in H.

He wanted to come over Monday night and I told him no. Then he did end up coming over a couple of days later with some movies he thought I would enjoy. He brought me chick flicks and love movies. WTF? I like scary movies and slasher movies and action movies. The gory-er the better. Since when did he think I would watch a chick flick. I even told him that I didn't like those kind of movies. Then he starts telling me how he would change me and how he would go about changing someone like me that does not like to be told what to do. I got pissed. I told him he was not going to change me and if he didn't like hearing me cuss/watch scary movies/whatever, he could leave, I fucking cuss and he can get the fuck over it. He just laughed and smiled like I was a child and he was indulging me. I did not have him over or talk to him for a few days so I could digest what he told me. I talked to my friend about it cuz I did not want to over react, even though I had met someone new just the past weekend that I prefered talking to.

When I next talked to H, I was telling him how I talked to my friend about some problems that she was having with her daughter and misbehaving. The bastard had the audacity to say my friend must be a bad mom because his kids did not behave badly. What?! You don't ever insult my friends. EVER motherfucker. I told him that was completely asinine on his part to assume that and that I was pissed that he would think that without any shred of evidence showing that. What kind of people do you think I hang out with? And how can you just assume that she's a bad mom because her daughter is acting out? I wasn't looking for advice, just sharing something that made me feel bad because I could not help my friend. My best friend no less, and someone I have been friends with for over 20 years. NO ONE insults my friends. I asked him to leave at that point. I even tried to give back his (unwatched) movies and he would not take them. I knew at that point we would not ever last long term. He could not do even the simplest thing to my satisfaction. All I wanted was for him to take his movies back and he wouldn't. Even though he knew I would not watch them. Then the new text messages started in earnest. Beginning the next day with text messages wanting to know where I was. How much he missed me, he wanted to talk to me, he wanted to see me again. I finally got pissed and texted back to him that I did not want him to miss me and which part of I did not want a relationship with him did he not get. He got pissed finally and said that maybe we should go our seperate ways. No hard feelings. What? I already have hard feelings you dumbass. You insulted my friend and treated me like an idiot that needs someone to tell me how to behave. So I responded as nicely as I possibly could that yes that is (obviously) what I wanted and we should both move on. I would get his movies back to him some other time when I was available to get them to him.

I did not share with him, obviously, that I had already moved on and was talking to guy number two, whom we shall call C. Who by the way was totally hot. And way sexy. And interested in me too. And thought I was hot too. Now, I ask you, who doesn't want a totally hot guy that thinks you are totally hot too? But more on that tomorrow.

A DATE!!!!!

Not that kind of date! The important kind.

We have the first date set for the depositions/hearings/yada-yada! One step closer to bringing my son home!!!! I am so excited. I have been telling everyone here at work.Called a few people. Sent the text messages. And now, Interwebz, I am telling you good people. I have the first date set up. Yippee and more yippee's!

Mmmmm. A New Love Affair.

Wonder who will find me with that title? Hee hee.

I want to admit to my new love affair that I have going on. Now, remember as I am telling you this that I am so not girly. Or prissy. Or anything but casual. And try not to laugh too hard when you are remembering that I love flannel and jeans and going bare foot. And that I hate pink anything.

My new love is sparkly. It is shiny. It is tasty. It is lip gloss. I have found that I cannot get enough of it. I run around with like three or four different kinds at a time. Just in case. I have about 8 different kinds now. I wear it as soon as I get up in the morning and put it on all the way up to bedtime. I have all kinds of colors and flavors. Lots of variety depending on my mood. And who I plan on kissing. *snort-giggle* I am just kidding about that. Mostly. Sort of.

I just hope this doesn't mean that I am going to get all girly.